Learning to give

A few hours away from 2008, our New Year, my memories slip away to remembering what I have accomplished this past year. It does not seem grand by all means but more of a compassion that comes from deep within my heart. Without realizing it, I have been very generous and considerate to my friends and family due in part to my parents who have always been that way with my siblings and I. Their bounteous and unending source of goodwill and love have spilled over into my life making me the benefactor of their spirit. Definitely not in any monetary way but more so in lending a helping hand where I was needed. Because of my unselfish nature, Lynn will sometimes tell me, "You can say no". With my thought waves electrically connected to my heart while tugging the strings hidden beneath my face emitted a quizzical look, Can I say no? If it is within the realm of possible, I will kindly do what I can to help complete the task at hand. Often, I have received unexpected and sometimes overwhelming surprises and gifts from my co-workers, friends and family. I am very thankful to the point of absolute tears and it is at those unexpected times where I truly think that this my purpose on this earth. To give of myself so completely, without thinking, to their aid. If the world were this way, we would all be a much better earth, planet, society and human race.

Reno Bus

I did not sleep very well last night in anticipation of my early morning departure from San Francisco's Chinatown to Reno via a charter bus. Since my wanderlust has been getting the better of me, I googled Reno bus tours last night and found a company that I did not know a thing about and booked myself on a round trip ticket to Reno for $30.00 in conjunction with Harrah's Casino. For $30.00, I would get $20.00 in Casino chips and a $7.00 food voucher good at three of their restaurants. If you don't buy in, you are charged $5.00 extra. I bought in with the intent on upgrading my Platinum to a Diamond Status with Harrah's as I was less than 500 points short of the coveted and elusive achievement.
As an uninitiated casino player on my first bus trip, a few of the passengers were very accommodating in helping me to secure a seat on the bus. Previously the night before, I had the printed out the Eticket but had another step to complete the day of departure and that was to visit the Harrah's office to process my check in. The facility, if you can call it that, was a tiny hole in the wall office that resembled a travel agency. As I requested for a window seat, I had visions of seeing white powdery snow that I had not seen for 20 plus years. Kari completed my check-in and with the proper documents now in hand, I was off and running to my seat. Excited and elated, I thanked Cyndi, a regular and the bus driver for directing me to the precise source of access. With everyone accounted for, we had one more pickup to make in Oakland and we're on our way. The smooth drive going through a mist shrouded Sacramento was uneventful as we stopped in Auburn for a 15 minute break at a McDonald's. This was a good time to gather extra toilet paper because the bus did not have any in the restroom on board. Not too long after we journeyed past the city of Auburn, the landscape began to change from it's formidable brown and dry summer colors to a tree topped snow white winter wonderland. The Nevada mountain range was scenic and majestic dressed in white as she came out to play. Snow covered rock formations and icy streams made the perfect postcard as the snow flurries hastened it's delivery upon tree branches heavily laden with old snow. For every bend and turn created new winter scenes like a movie camera producing an intimate slide show of nature for me. Awake and alive, I am in admiration and wonderment of the breathtaking artistry before me. The quiet chatter of the bus became silent as we motored through the exquisiteness of this alluring sight. Soon we arrived at our destination and one by one, like lemmings, we all single filed our way into the casino to collect our vouchers, casino chips and monies. It wasn't too long before I found my machine, in fact, four of us from the bus played on the "Wheel of fortune" dollar slot machine. Approximately two hours into playing, each of us had hit the 1000 on the wheel from the spin button. A growing crowd cheered us on and we dared not leave our seats. Another thirty minutes had past, again at different times, the four of us hit the elusive 1000! I called it quits and cashed out. We were all up at least $2000.00 and I had made my 400 some odd points to attain a Diamond Player status. I was elated! I felt the need for a good soak and proceeded to the spa. For a few dollars, I enjoyed a relaxing jacuzzi, sauna, steam or massage (extra). The jacuzzi is a welcome respite for my RA as I melted into the confines and blissfully content wishing that Lynn was here to enjoy this with me. With brief calls to her throughout my day as I summarize what my time has been like at Harrah's, she acquaints me with her story of how she met her hubby while they both worked at Harrah's 20 plus years ago.
Profound love during that time as it was with my ex husband. Now to come full circle to be resting on the other side of a woman, also profound love.
It was nearing the time of my departure as I had a few more tasks to complete. I received my new Diamond Card, cashed out my $2000.00 and cashed in my food voucher for a won ton veggie soup to go. My bus promptly arrived at 6:15pm and we were all on board and departed on time at 6:30pm. As we drove through a dark Nevada region, the beautiful white trees by day were now a silhouette of ominous and menacing shadows by night. After feasting on my soup and char siu bun, the quietness of the drive lulled me to sleep only to awaken a few hours later to the sudden stop of traffic as the bus lurched and pitched. With a quick drop off in Oakland, we soon reached San Francisco's Chinatown thirty minutes earlier than anticipated. My goodbye's were quick as the cold nipped at me and soon my thoughts of the Nevada snow-scape visited me as I continued my drive home.

Last Saturday

of the year for 2007. Lynn stopped by my house this afternoon for lunch after singing for a funeral at 9:00am this morning. I set a plate for her with some of last night's left over salmon and rice. We chit chatted about her gig and I showed her my daughter's new refrigerator that she received from PG&E's energy partner program. With a few stolen kisses and longing hugs we talked about our plans for New Year's. While sitting at the kitchen table, she gave me back my Hawaiian ring with two hearts that I had left at her house about a week ago. She had re-enameled the missing outline of the heart and now it shows beautifully. I let her put it back on my left index finger as we both gazed at the movement of her act. Breathless and silent for a few seconds as she thanked me for taking back the ring. I smiled and acknowledge her a "thank you". Hand in hand, thankful for each other, we both know that it's going to be a new journey for 2008.

Reflecting

on my past events for the month of December. I can truly say that it has been an eventful month strewn with drama, love, loss, laughter, tears, goodwill and reconciliations. My life amazes me continuously and miraculously. It has been nothing short of exhilarating and I look forward to what 2008 and where she will guide me. I am hoping that she keeps beckoning me to learn of my life's journey openly and that she will be kind as always in her endeavor to faithfully watch over my spirit, cleanse my soul, renew my hope and love honestly. That is what I hope to carry forth into the New Year.

Couch Therapist

It has been quite the day for me getting together with two of my very good friends. One of which I recently came out to this past weekend and is the only one that needed clarification on seeing me in a new light. Norma was the last of my circle of close friends to reveal that I am a lesbian. With the new information about me and letting her process it for a few days, I was ready to answer whatever questions she may have about me. But there were ground rules, one of which was her behavior which reminds me of a little girl throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way. This was my outing and i'm going to get my way. She had asked me why I took so long to tell her. After all she had been my friend for close to twenty years. I told her that it was not easy and it's still not nor is it ever going to be easy for me to tell everyone. She asked for clues and labels. I told her that my being a lesbian, I didn't need to drop hints or clues about myself and I am very comfortable with myself. It is you, who are not comfortable with this new information. I am acting as I have been for the past 20 years you have known me as a hetero woman, with a man, only this time for the past 8 years, with a woman. As for my physical appearance, my appearance is that of a femme. I can act butch if I want to and so can any woman but those are all labels. I am still human, anatomically female and still your friend of 20 years! I still enjoy wearing dresses, makeup and perfume. Nothing about me has changed! The only change is that I love women. Now that i've outed myself, I shouldn't have to cut my long dark mane to announce that I am a butch or lesbian because society has decided to label that. Norma has grown up hearing labels and percieves that labels should take precedence. Of course her immaturity brings out her denial which she tries to hide behind her laughter. I stated to her, "this is why you were the last one to know because of your immaturity and probably your homophobia on not knowing what is familiar to you to a now unfamiliar territory". Norma has her own issues with her life that she is still trying to come to terms with but it is not for me to physcoanylaze or figure out for her. That is why there are highly paid counselors to do that, not your girlfriends. Our talk lasts for two hours and three margaritas later, she is relieved to hear that I am happy with Lynn. I know she has her doubts and more questions but that is not for me to walk her through my process and help her understand. It is hers to process and that is a journey she is going travel alone.

Time together

I'm very glad that Lynn brought an extra jacket, scarf and gloves for me while we enjoyed lunch on a concrete table under the winter sun at Coyote Point Park in San Mateo. She had neatly packed some turkey, cranberry relish, sweet gravy, bread and salad for our entree in travel sized Tupperware. Dessert consisted of the last of her chess pie and homemade pumpkin pie. After our Delicious lunch, we made our way to the Coyote Point Museum. With a little under two hours left for us to visit, it was more than enough time to see the exhibits. With the sun going down and the winter night getting chillier, we made our way over to Burlingame's Starbucks. There is nothing like a Venti Caramel Macchioto to ward off the last of a December chill. Lynn and I talked of our week and where we will be. She has a gig this weekend singing in a funeral that a friend was not able to do in San Francisco and it starts early in the morning on Saturday. I'm hoping that she could spend the night at my house, since I'll be chauffeuring her there, to lessen her commute and to spend some much needed time together after our week of misunderstandings and the need to communicate to one another. We were both in agreement of that idea. With our warm libations all but gone, we sat in her car and conversed more and to also complete our gift exchange since she had forgotten it during our last weekend together because that was her busy concert week. I received a much needed set of sea green bath towels from Lynn, along with some candles and perfume. I was still missing my ring that I had left with her last week that she had given to me during our second year together. This was the first time that I had been without it and was missing it very much since we had reconciled. She said that is was being repaired. I trusted her with it and I trust that I will be receiving it back soon. Darkness had fallen and it was time to go. With a kiss on the lips, a meaningful hug and a long embrace, we are on the road to recovery.

The Spirit of Christmas

After waking up this morning at 11:00am, my body is not in the Christmas spirit. I could have slept in for another hour maybe two! After shopping for two hours yesterday at Pak-n-Save and bringing home the holiday dinner, I didn't feel much of the spirit there either. My mother passed away on December 28th 2003 and my heart has been missing her tremendously around this time of the year. Almost to the point of my not wanting to spend it with family or friends. I would rather be a lone hermit tucked away in my shell on a beach somewhere in Molokai's solitude of heaven. The holidays can be a lonely time of the year and it is so for me. I'm completely surrounded by family and friends but still, I feel alone. I am missing my island of Molokai and all of it's spirit that I come home with when I visit there.
My brother is the only one looking forward to Christmas dinner and he appreciates that I do cook for the family. My son and daughter are spending time with their father. Lynn is spending the holidays with her family, also doing the cooking scene at her home. My very good friend Darrell stopped by after work for some holiday dinner and Christmas cheer. His parents are in Atlanta and he has not seen them in a year. He does have a brother who lives out in Mountain View and visits him once in a while. I sent him home with three plates of food and he was very ecstatic about that. Darrell rarely cooks for himself, his condo is immaculate, he puts Martha Stewart to shame and he is a genuinely good man. My spirit lifts when I'm around him. He makes me laugh and we have a wonderful time together. Darrell had to leave and be on his way home. My son, the card shark, challenged me to a card game of Black Jack for money. Within one hour, all of my change went to his side of the table. I told him, "When you turn 21, I'm taking you to Vegas!" As he walked away with the biggest grin and pockets heavy with coins, he asked to challenge his uncle. Being overly stuffed from tonight's dinner and smart, the uncle declined. Looking back at the end of my night, my spirit and mood better than before. I realized that I have wonderful friends and a beautiful family. Because of my mother and father, I have learned how to build solid relationships, drama and all, and I'm very thankful for such gracious parents. I will love you always, think of you often and miss you dearly.
Merry Christmas.

I'm in love

with your angelic voice
the power that is you
your spirit, your choice

letting me in
your most inner thought
so fragile, ashamed
weary and wrought

with my arms around you
as our journey begins
secrets unfold
as we stamp out these sins

together, you and I
spirit as one
we will get through this
from you I will not run

communication and honesty
that is all I ask
no more hiding
no more mask

your journey will be difficult
by your side, I will be
patient and understanding
you are all, I see

With God's mighty hand
from up above
my heart to yours
I'm in love

Dearest of friends

After a long drive home yesterday from visiting my daughter in Sacramento, I attended a loft party with my group of four very dear friends whom I have known for at least 15 plus years. Cecile's house was the central meeting place with DarRell as the designated driver taking the helm of Sarah's beautiful midnight blue BMW. After a quick snack of homemade chili that Cecile made, we were on the road into The City for "Auntie Ken's" Christmas party.
Traffic moved smoothly and an abundant amount of street parking space was available to us. With presents in hand, we made our way to his live/work loft in which he is an interior designer for his own company. I remember meeting him 10 years ago on a trip to New Orleans for Halloween. He is a flamboyant Hawaiian/Filipino man with dark skin, hair and eyes. His ever infectious laughter and beautiful smile was all he needed to draw you into his circle. Upon entering into his humble abode, we were in awe of his business space. Very simple, yet colorful and practical without an abundance of clutter. It was a warm sensual space with an intimate setting for his friends to enjoy the company of one another without it being overwhelming or isolated. We met Ken's partner, Michael, who is a hula dancer with my former halau. He also stitches Hawaiian quilts one of which he recently sold for $5800.00! The stitch work is meticulously beautiful, mixing old with the new. Not bad for a haole (Caucasian) boy!
The spirit of the evening flowed and ebbed until we had a white elephant gifting which turned out to be a highly charged event and the once serene guests caused a raucous of laughter as each gift turned out to be a coveted prize to possess. Gifts ranging from fine wines, candles and gourmet cook books to liquor candied delicacies . The white elephant gift of the evening turned out to be a cute pink, sequined clutch purse won by a man of stature and being a very good sport about it. With the evening winding down, it was time for us to go as we had another engagement to attend at a Filipino club in South San Francisco called Solita's where our group got our groove on. With DarRell running the show with his sexy muscular body as he glided into the electric slide to Sarah getting freaky with one of our girly table mates. Everyone was on the dance floor, getting sweaty and have a fantastic time. As the band played their last set, Sarah asked me if I was seeing anyone. With her pending divorce on the horizon, my group is very supportive whether you're dating or not and I know she was concerned. With a deep breath, I boldly told her that I am seeing someone and it's someone that is not in our circle of outrigger paddlers or hula dancers. I further explained to Sarah that Lynn is a musician, singer and mother of two daughters. Sarah stated, "As long as you're happy, that's all that matters" and she gave me a big hug. She started saying something about her Catholic school days and girls, but at this time, I think she had too much to drink. Not wanting to go home at 2:00AM, we visited a local casino establishment in the small town of Colma. This place was busy with a large Asian and Filipino community gambling like there's no tomorrow. Our mission was the restaurant, which was just as crowded as we were expeditiously seated in a booth. The menu was a nice variety of Asian and Filipino fare served in ample portions. With our food orders turned in, we chatted about idle topics. Sarah decided to unknowingly Out me in front of Norma, who is the last one in the group to finally find out. "SARAH!", I stated. Kicking her underneath the table. She apologized and started in about my ring being on my left married finger and said, "You're not married and it shouldn't be on that finger". Finally, I couldn't take it, I said, "Norma?" "Yeah", she replied. "I'm seeing someone and you know her", I stated. "Her name is Lynn". "What?" she said, incredulously. "I'm seeing Lynn, who is my partner, my companion, my lover!" I said while searching her face for any eye to eye contact. Her body language started to show how she felt and seemed put off and indignant. Sarah backed me up and basically told Norma to back off and behave. I know that it is a painful issue to process and this is probably how she handles stressful situations. Knowing that I was once a man chasing woman, party hard individual and hearing that I have become someone else without any clues, hint or thoughts, seemed very uncomfortable for her. Oh, the convoluted thoughts that are running rampant in her mind.

I am missing you

With my weekend full of pre-arranged activities, there will be no time to visit Lynn. I want to see her and hold her, my longing for her is urgent. I am truly missing my soul mate.

6:00AM travels quickly into sync when I finally fall asleep at 4:30AM! My daughter, Pua, was waiting in the wings to be picked up from the Crestwood Facility. With her safely tendered over, we drive back to the hotel only to fall asleep, mother and daughter, to the sound of the Television static. I was restless and my night before was filled with thoughts of Lynn. We had a very constructive conversation. It has been a very long time since we've had a heart to heart talk on the phone. I usually prefer these talks to be in person with her and I enjoy the closeness that I receive from them. Because we don't live together, this is how we most often communicate.
Pua and I finally awoke after 11:00am! We were both tired from her big shopping day yesterday and an early morning today. Because of my Elite status with the Marriott hotel, I had a 3:00pm checkout time, I was in no rush to get home. By 1:30pm, we were famished and unknowingly missed out on the hotel buffet. We made plans for the local hospital cafeteria that she knew about because of their wonderful fresh and organic food. As I packed up the truck with my overnight bag and laptop, she finished her last cigarette in the patio of the hotel. I noticed a very cute young man talking to her as he opened up the door to the dining room of the buffet we missed earlier. All of a sudden, my daughter rushed over to me and said, "Mom, that guy said he's going to pay for half of our breakfast". I replied, "Pua, their closed!" "No, their not!" she interjected. Descending from my truck and locking it closed, we walked into their Bistro bar and lounge area which was still open. Allen, as stated on his name tag, whom we later found out in our conversation was 19, seated us at a table and offered us the breakfast menu. Before ordering, my daughter made sure once again that he was going to pay for half of our breakfast to which he nodded in agreement to. With her newly bought jacket zipped halfway up her chest and her ample mound of cleavage peaking out, I'm sure he would agree to whatever she said! Breakfast was ordered and quickly delivered as our conversation ranged from memories of her childhood to the present and the state of my health. At some point, we included Allen in our conversation and thanked him for breakfast. Before departing and receiving the final check, once again my daughter made sure to see the bill before paying it and walked right up to Allen and stated their agreement. Overheard by a woman whom we later found out to be his manager. She said to Allen, "That's such a nice gesture for you to pay half their breakfast. You know what? Don't worry, I'll take care of it!" About 5 minutes had passed and we asked Allen for the check, he said that it was already taken care of. My daughter and I both looked at him in amazement. "The whole thing?" we said. He nodded, "Yes, my manager took care of your bill" and he disappeared into the kitchen. Trying to figure out his tip, we both decided to leave a $20 bill for his generosity and hospitality. We thanked him again before leaving and asked his managers name so that I could write an "orchid letter" for their wonderful gesture.
Just across the street was the Crestwood facility waiting to receive my daughter. With tearful deep hugs, we said our goodbyes as I watched her being taken in through the last set of familiar doors only to be received by her friends on the other side.

"Stand by me"

"You are the quiet at the end of my day...
I feel so loved when you hold me.
I close my eyes and the rest
of the world disappears.
Then it's just you and me,
and that all I need"
Happy Valentine's Day - written by Jerry Leiber, Mike Stoller and Ben E. King

As I was rummaging through my piles of mail looking for my receipts and "to do's" for my trip up to see my daughter, Pua, in Sacramento today and I came across a musical Valentine's card that Lynn had given me last year with the above inscription. Yesterday, Lynn and I finally got a chance to speak with one another on the phone. Within our voices, the strain, the unconsolable hurt and anguished hearts were once again, put on the table. Dissected, examined and pulled apart, the intricacies of our fragile relationship. After many tears and hopes renewed, talking about our issues and missing each other, we took a step forward to reconcile our eight year relationship.
My trip to Sacramento to see my daughter Pua is always an adventure. She is a "diva shopper" and can stretch the spending of $50.00 into a 4 hour spree. Housed in the Crestwood Facility for the mentally challenged, she survives here in a sometimes chaotic commune of spirited characters where their smoking break is highly coveted over a long distance phone call from mom. I can only retain her for eight hours today and tomorrow. She is not allowed any overnight privileges until our second meeting and she completes all of her counseling sessions. That won't happen since she thinks that she'll be released sometime in January 2008 and be housed in a group home on the Peninsula.
With our shopping day at an end, Pua put her name on everything she has purchased to be inventoried and stored away until needed. With a pickup time for tomorrow at 6:00am to complete my next eight hours, morning is a few hours away.

Up early

to tackle my day. Life must go on after all. I have make a phone call to the doctors after 10:00am so that they can slot me in to take my Humira shot with a pen looking device I picked up yesterday at Walgreen's. Since I have a great medical plan, this prescription only costed me $25.00 co-payment. After looking at the "you saved" part, it blew me away! My insurance saved me $1654.99!! Can you freakin believe that? Expensive little things and they also need to be refrigerated. For now, my medication calls for an injection every other week. I have a three week vacation coming up in March and I'll have to re-think my destination. This vacation was planned for February, that's when Lynn and I were thinking of escorting her daughter Camden to London and spending a few days there for our mini vacation. I thought for sure I had the correct dates but miss bid my vacation to March. My daughter Nani always says, "things happen for a reason". My excuse is, "I'm gettin' old". Instead, I was thinking on visiting some friends of mine. Pearl and her partner Michelle in Alabama, recently moved Marilee in Atlanta and Angie and her partner in Florida. Maybe my fly boy, the international gay playboy of the skies, Michael, and pay a visit to him in Florida.
So, I have to find some time today to get this shot administered and get my loan papers ready for Sarah this weekend as our ladies group will be going to a few parties. Again to see an old friend in the city who is throwing one at his place. Ken is a long time friend who I haven't seen for at least 10 years since we got together in New Orleans for Halloween when my hula group was there performing for a well to do artsy gentleman. From what I hear, he lives in a loft. I'm not sure if he's partnered. Many of my gay men friends have beautiful huge lofts in the city. Why? So that they can throw the most fabulous parties and galas you have ever seen. Their parties are truly amazing!
I'm steering away from the subject again. I do that quite a bit and don't mean to. I've got to fill out papers for my 401k loan process which didn't get processed for some reason. I'll have to go into work to get a copy of the doctor papers that re-certified me unable to work for this month of December and to pick up my bid sheet for my new work schedule.
I finally wrote an email last night asking Lynn for my small refrigerator back because it belongs to my son. I haven't received an answer yet. I know we are both trying to process what happened this past Monday because I totally cut her off without an explanation or conversation but said everything in a subtle email. It wasn't vicious or attacking because I was hurting and still love her to some magnitude. I'm sure she's hurting and devastated like I am but for different reasons. I thought that I would pick up the "fridge" since I was going to be down that way in San Mateo for my appointment. It could be that I just want to see her again. Hear what she has to say. Or me being an idiot and thinking that I could take her back and forget about everything. My thoughts about us living together in our Golden Years, implosion complete, damage is done. OK Lani, bend over so that I can kick you in the arse and knock some sense into you! Reality sets in and the truth is known. I can't go back, not after what has been done, written, said or otherwise. Move on, Lani, move on! Yes, I will. One step at a time. One step at a time.

Hoping that

this was all a horrible bad dream and I haven't been awaken from this deep abyss of sleep. I'm in a state of depression and feeling like the loneliest soul on the planet. I'm still in bed by noon and under the covers of my warm flannel sheet, comfortable, quiet and away from all of the madness of these past few days. The quietness is consuming me where I once had an active volume of cell phone chatter because of my daily conversations with Lynn about everyday life, has come to a complete halt. Except for the familiar emails from my close circle of friends making plans for this weekend, my life is at a standstill. There is so much that I have to do that it has fallen by the wayside to make room for my loss.... my grieving emotional loss. I'm sure it has taken a toll on my health but not for the worse. My zombie like stature is on auto pilot and going through my earthly routine, robotically. The all too familiar ring that I assigned to Lynn has been silent. Where I used to run and jump at her ring tone to answer the phone, I have quietly pressed ignore. Do I still want an explanation from her? Do I care? The questions running rampant in my mind should we meet again. Her insatiable need to be needed. We all need to be needed. I need to be needed. One person is not enough. I wasn't enough. I haven't cried since finding out that fateful Monday. Am I waiting for the tears to come? They don't. Am I heartless for not crying? Stunned, perhaps. In denial? Maybe.
I will no longer hear the music of raindrops softly pelting on my window sill or see how bright and beautiful the full moon shines. The colors have faded and start to blend. How magnanimous of Lynn to show me the other side of this life. The side where no one wants to see or be a part of, but somehow I arrive here. No fences, wires or gates to hold me in. I can leave at anytime but I resist. I have fallen from Grace in all of it's beauty and riches. Only to stand here at the crossroad of my life, broken and forgotten. My tears start to flow like sheets of rain on the dry Kalahari desert as my arms caress me like the gentle ocean wave bringing me to shore to rest peacefully in the warmth of the sand.

My life has stopped

for a moment in time
what did I do?
what was my crime?

I gave you my heart
mind, body and soul
now dark and empty
like a piece of coal

Was I
too blind to see
my artful woman dodger
my stupidity

moments that meant
walks that we took
spoken words of love
my glance, your look

time will heal
my weary heart
now utterly broken
and torn apart

life has it's lessons
from which I will learn
a life of love
a love that will burn

A rainy crappy day

After a fitful night of sleep, I don't see the beauty in small things anymore. My general well being is "shot to hell" because of yesterdays surprise. To top it off, I had a dentist appointment today for another deep cleaning on the other side of my mouth and a hit to my wallet. I thought, "Forget the Novocaine, I would welcome the pain, drill the hell away". Anything would be better than what I'm feeling right now. Since I'm not allowed to eat or drink and didn't want to go home after the appointment, I went the pier in Pacifica. It was raining too hard to get out and didn't feel like dealing with the rain and all, so I stayed in the warmth of my heated truck. I sat and watched the muddy green ocean waves crest and break over the rock barrier. A few people strolled the boardwalk and braved the windy cold air as the rain continued it's assault causing me to shiver. Being restless, I didn't stay too long at the beach. What was once an enjoyable thing for me to do, was now unpleasant. I made my way home, changed out of my clothes and into my sweats. After several unanswered cell calls this morning, the last call from Lynn was at 11:06am. I'm sure she got my email by now. Where's that Motrin? I'm going back to sleep.

That recent poem

was short lived. My wonderful weekend with my sweetheart of eight years, was beautiful. She had a great concert and we visited with her chorus friends at an after party. We had food and wine there, then we went back to our "love nest" for the night. After a nice soak in the hot jacuzzi, we had our own long heated session of love making and rested the night away.
It wasn't until I got home and unpacked, made dinner for my son and I and talked to Lynn on the phone for a bit about our nightly dinner menu for the families. With an awesome dessert of rice krispies made for by my son, I retired to my room to check my emails from the day. As my laptop whirred and pinged on the start up menu an unfamiliar, yet familiar page was brought up. It was an SBC email page but it was not mine, it was Lynn's. Somehow, my laptop did not sign her out when she initially checked her email at the hotel this morning.
Months ago in August, while I was in Belize for a vacation, upon my return, my intuition was telling me that something about Lynn and I was not right. Something had urged me on to look at the Craigslist women for women's section. For several days, I didn't know what I was looking for until I saw a very familiar body of a woman's picture in the Craigslist ad. It was Lynn! Taken at her home in her bedroom, a silhouette of her long brown hair and her beautiful curves. I didn't know what to think until I read the ad. It was obvious that she was looking for someone. I was pissed the hell off and printed it out because now, I was going to confront her with it. We had talked and made plans for lunch the next day and it was hard to contain my anger and disgust. I hadn't slept well that night in anticipation of my lunch date the next day. We met in the parking lot at the IHOP in Redwood City. Lynn could see that I was upset about something and asked what it was. I asked her if she wanted to see other people. She looked surprised at my question. I asked her the question again and produced her ad printed out for her to see. After talking it out in my truck and some crying, she explained herself and that she was feeling a "low self esteem" day. I wanted to break up with her right then and there. She said that she would take down the ad and we never talked about it after that. We kissed and made up. But something was still sitting in the back of my mind, something still wasn't right.
As Lynn's email page sat staring at me, I thought to myself, "it's wrong to read her email". I have to trust her. As I wrestled with that thought, my eyes wandered over to some of her folders. I said, "F**k it" and opened the folder and read. I couldn't believe what I was reading, dozens of personal ads that she had sent to herself from the W4M and the W4W sections. She had also sent out replies to ads. She's been corresponding since 2005!! It might have been even longer but I don't think SBC goes back that far. The thought repulsed and made me sick. I was upset. I read through just about everything. I decided to not talk to her tonight and email her a "dear Jane" letter. I don't want to talk to her! I don't want to see her! How could she do this to me? I'm going to send my "D" (divorce) mail to her tonight. Merry F**ken Christmas to me.

Stay

if only but for a moment
our passionate inferno of kisses
cease to relent

your warmth of what I know
rises up to greet me
my eager hands trace your curves
you're a vision to see

locked in your embrace
your essence, your scent
as my lips find your island
my primal urge will not spent

your fruit so ripe
edible to taste
hot, melting sweetness
I will not waste

your long brown hair
flows on the bed sheet
like a long winding river
never ending to greet

your familiar thighs
within, I nest
nibbling, kisses, biting
I know, no rest

as my ocean lashing begins to churn
and your turbulent river starts to rise
your once delicate moans
turn to soprano cries

I grip your beautiful body
within my hold
made for me
poured from a mold

our time shortened
as the night moves on
with a kiss on my lips
and she was gone

your essence, your glow
a fact that is true
Merry Christmas, my darling
I love you

Overcharges at Downey Savings

If you think that you're right on not paying an overcharge, fight back with documented information and names! A small over site on the part of my mortgage company between their impound department and the loan department almost cost me $265.64 in under payment and late fees. Oliver was my teller of the day and the first in "front line" personal. He was very patient in my resolving an overage as he was the liaison between the person on the phone and myself, a little ticked off but I had my documentation and confirmation numbers. I had initially gone to the bank to put down the payment from my company towards my mortgage payment for the next two months. Oliver tells me that I owe, $104.32 for an under payment and $161.32 for late fees in processing my November mortgage payment! I told Oliver that I had already had a phone conversation with Pearl in the loan department last week and paid the $104.32 over the phone. The late payment of $161.32 should not have even been charged because my November payment was received by it's due date and Pearl was waiving the processing fee of $57.00 over the phone. Oliver tried to tell me that the $104.32 was not collected and that both would have to be paid before he could except my mortgage payment. I thought, this is getting ridiculous. I brought out my checkbook and showed him who I talked to, the phone contact, confirmation number and the amount of $104.32 and the date that it was paid. He called someone in the loan department and spoke with a woman, who sounded like a jerk (yes, women can be jerks too!) and she thought that she was going to make this "ol gal" pay. Oliver handed the phone over to me and I said, "hello". She replied, "Hello, how can I help you?" in a frigid, uncool tone. I told her the situation with Pearl and the impound department and gave her the necessary information. By this time it had been thirty minutes of waiting. I'm glad I didn't have any doctor appointments scheduled. Oliver told me that it would take a while and to have some coffee. That's just what I did. After another fifteen minutes of waiting for my verdict, the woman (I did not get her name) came back on the phone with Oliver and apparently told him that I didn't not have to pay any of the mentioned monies and to accept my mortgage payment. I felt like a hunted baby seal after having a huge great white with it's mouth open about to eat me alive, only to have it repel and swim away until another day.

So glad it's Friday

and this is my weekend with Lynn...finally! She has one more concert this Sunday at the Mission in Santa Clara. After that concert, she is all mine! We're getting a hotel for Saturday and Sunday that is near the Mission and she won't have to do a cross country jaunt back and forth to her concert. It has been since that bridezilla wedding we spent the weekend together in October. Up until now, that's much too long to be without each other and we make due seeing each other during the week when our schedules allow. It is our time together to rejoice, engage, recharge, rekindle and love. Nothing matters but our two spirits becoming one, entwined and interwoven, our lives fusing together if but for a night....a beautiful night of loving.

Eligible for social security

It's good to know that I can claim social security should I become completely disabled and not work at my current employment. My disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, is covered under their umbrella of eligibility. My doctor is going to release me back to work on January 13th, 2008 and if all goes well, I'll be able to pick up much needed ours to pay most of my bills that will come due. It's not easy staying home from a disability after being able to work since I was 18 years old. I went to a Junior College for one semester and that's all I needed to find out that College wasn't for me. While I was there, I took up your general education subjects, accounting, typing, recreation, writing, P.E. and made the woman's softball team. I didn't have a direction or goal until I took up a "recreation class" under the guidance of Tony Ruiz. He was a short bearded man with a passion for recreation and the arts. From there, I went to work for Daly City Recreation Department as a playground team leader for the city of Colma. I received my own playground with an awesome group of kids. Summer time was best because of the field trips that I would go on and supervise. Later, I would monitor Tennis Courts and then graduated to monitoring and supervising the War Memorial Gym. I had the keys to the city, literally.
After my two girls were born about five years later, I worked as a Bus driver in those yellow buses for San Mateo for about a year. A hula brother of mine approached me and recruited me to drive for a travel agency where he worked in accounting. I would drive a little GEO around San Francisco and the East Bay and deliver airline tickets to Departments such as the Postal Inspectors, Department of Energy, Department of Justice and a Science Lab. Two years later, I was let go because of the economy's downturn. At this time, I was a steers woman of a premier team of Outrigger Canoe paddlers and winning regattas every chance we got and I danced for a hula troupe in San Francisco and we were untouchable in competition and exhibitions. Soon that had to slow down because my children were getting older as well as my parents and I needed to stay home more. I interned and eventually went to work for an airline, Mark Air which is now defunct and my friend and supervisor, Alan, called and asked me to work as team lead in his reservation department for another start up carrier, Sierra Expressway over in Oakland. They flew to Sacramento and other hubs operated by United Express. A year later they dissolved. A few months down the road, I answered an ad in the paper for a major airline at the San Francisco International Airport. It was an open call and on the first day 300 people showed up at the 1st session! I'm not sure of how many people they were looking for but a few days later, I went for an interview and and got the job. It's been a little over 11 years now with the same company and am very happy being here. I love my coworkers and the travel benefits are unbeatable. I look forward to going back to work and seeing everyone. This time off has been a breath of fresh, much needed, air.

Humira

is the name of my next set of medicine that I will be taking. My RAtologist did not like where my marks were at this time and increased my prednisone to 2 tablets tonight and two tomorrow morning to kick start it and hopefully to me in better spirits and out of the pain that I am in right now. He explained that I will have to be checked with a TB shot before taking the Humira and gave me three choices on how to take it. The first being that I would have to come into the office and have the medicine administered by IV and one hour to sit in the office. The second would be to self inject myself with one shot every two months or third, coming into the office every week for a shot. I'm not too keen on self administering shots to myself and of course the IV sounded wonderful until he showed me the tampon looking tube of medicine that I would be taking. I wouldn't have to see the needle but I will feel a little sting. It looked very uncomplicated and easy but was not going to get that today. They have to check with my health plan to make sure that they can pay for most of it. After further researching, I found out that this particular medicine can cost upwards of $13-$15,000.00 dollars for a year! Holy Crap! I hope i don't have to pay for any of this.
It's time to refill all of my medicine and I'm so glad that it costs me a mere $5.00 per prescription to do that. Walgreen's gives you instructions along with your prescription and it also tells you how much you saved. I better keep working for as long as I can at least up until I'm 60 but I may have to settle for 55.

Lunch with Casino Brothers

My favorite co-workers and friends, Mel and Jaz, treated me out Hokkaido's for lunch today. Talk about the mother of all buffets, this is the one! It is a Japanese buffet located in Foster City at the Bridgepoint Mall where the Ice skating rink is and is very inexpensive. Their food is served and presented exquisitely and the buffet stations are strategically placed so that they utilize both sides of the food bars. You've got your sushi of all kinds and is to die for, crab, stuffed oysters, tempura, soups, more than 10 different entrees, fruit, salad and dessert stations all at an affordable price. The gastronomic rule of eating at this type of buffet is to pace yourself. Make sure the foods that you eat mix well with a diet that you're used to otherwise, you'll be in the restroom all day with a sour stomach. Our conversation ran the gamut of work, holiday party and Casino's. Mel and Jaz are Diamond members at the Rio All Suite Hotel in Las Vegas and can literally request a hotel room at their convenience. I am a mere Platinum member and I'm less than six hundred points away from a Diamond. They are planning on a trip to Harrah's in Lake Tahoe sometime this month. I'm going along for the ride and haven't seen snow since my girls were 4 and 6, almost 18 years ago. With goodbye's being said, it was time to go.
I had a dentist appointment at 3:45 and had to go home to brush and floss my teeth after that big lunch. Dr. Naeimi at Gentle Dental in Daly City is a wonderful dentist. She really takes the time and care to explain what she is going to do as far as shots of novocaine to numb you to the health of your teeth and gums. Her assistant recreated a bridge for me last year to fill in a missing molar that I had. He shaped it so well that it feels like a part of my teeth structure. I told her about my RA and the medicines that I'm taking and seemed concerned about my health. Dr. Naeimi explained that since I hadn't been back in more than a year, my mouth developed bits of calcium deposits on random areas of my teeth. She didn't sound too happy with the x rays that she viewed and said that I'll need to come in every four months to have my teeth cleaned. I'm hoping that this won't be too expensive. For today, she did a deep cleaning on my right side and will do my left side next week. She also found a small pocket in the upper part of the gum where it had receded a few milliliters letting in the deposits and slowly eroding and causing bone loss. With the quarterly cleaning regimen, she'll make sure to put antibiotics there to prevent any infections. After my co-pay of three hundred some odd dollars, I saved a little over nine hundred dollars! I don't know what hurt more, the novocaine or the co-pay. I said my goodbyes and got an especially long winded goodbye from a "futch" (femme/butch) woman I haven't seen there before. She must have been hired to help take care of all the back log of patients that they receive. I definitely got a vibe that she was "family". After I said goodbye to the ladies behind the desk and they replied a short goodbye, she was turning off the Christmas lights and turned to tell me, looking beyond her Harry Potter glasses, "Goodbye now, drive carefully and see you soon". I mustered a Novocaine smile and said, "G'nite" and thought to myself, yep she's family.

Appointments this week

Yesterday the contract electrician for PG&E came by to change and ground the electrical outlet and brought it up to code to a GFI outlet. My daughter's kitchen downstairs will be receiving a brand new refrigerator courtesy of the PG&E weatherization program. The Energy Partners Program provides qualified low-income customers free weatherization measures and energy-efficient appliances to reduce gas and electricity usage. There are guidelines for qualifications . http://www.pge.com/res/financial_assistance/energy_partners/index.html She will be getting two doors, one exterior door leading to the backyard and one door leading to the garage. Those are in dire need of replacement. I will be getting a replacement window for my son's room and two doors, one leading to the backyard and one leading from the upstairs to downstairs. They will also be doing some caulking and weather stripping of the doors to prevent drafts from coming and going. It's a wonderful program for California residents that are at a disadvantage.
Tomorrow, I have a dental appointment for cleaning and checkup and on Wednesday is my RAtologist appointment for my next phase of medication.
Ever since the lowering of my prednisone, my "rhummy" has been giving me a lot of pain in my right hand, especially at the middle finger joint. Sometimes I can't even bend it or many times it favors the curled position. I took my blood test last week and he should have the results by now for this week. Today, my ankle is a little swollen and causing me to limp a bit. By the time the afternoon comes around, my body is fully "awake" and moving better. What a way to live! To have something like RA cause you to slow down and dictate your life to it's very essence. It is just unimaginable. I lead a very active lifestyle and slowing down to zero and in pain, I've taken a step back and can't dwell on what caused this vicious disease to enter my once healthy body. I can only put my trust in my RAtologist, take my meds, eat healthier and forge on with my life at a slower pace.

Holiday party

last night was wonderful. Aside from the horrendous shopping traffic, accidents and stalled vehicles on the freeway, we finally made it to my friend's house. This year it was hosted by Gail who lives just above the 580 freeway in San Leandro. Ms G has a beautiful two storied corner home with tiered backyard garden which is often frequented by raccoons. She even has a framed paw print on the wall of a raccoon who sneaked in through the cat door to dine on some kitty food. I thought that was hilarious! It was potluck and there was a nice buffet for everyone. This same group of friends gathers once a year to rekindle, visit and talk about all that we've been doing for the past year. Some even bring their children. It is a group made up of mostly straight people or so I thought and that will come out later in this story as will the person.
My friend Norma and I got there late, as usual and they were already playing the white elephant game with Clint because he had tickets to a show that he had already made plans for and needed to leave for that. After settling in and greetings out of the way, it was time for a drink. I had one glass of red wine poured into a glass that was given by Gail complete with our names written on the flat part of the glass with a special marker. She also had a special aerator for the red wine to remove the tannin taste after first being poured. I didn't seem to taste any different, it was still good. After mingling, "talking story" and playing catch up, dinner was ready and enjoyed by the crowd. More wine flowed, dinner was finishing up and we commenced onto the white elephant gift giving event. Rules were made and off we went. It was a fun game. I ended up with a duck trivet, something that I needed since my newly remodeled kitchen did not officially have a trivet. As the evening was winding down, dessert and coffee were now on the table and people had to leave. We packed up "to go" containers for the rest of the left over food. While that was going on, I was talking to Gail and catching up on the year. She asked if I was seeing anyone. I told her, "Yes, I'm seeing someone and her name is Lynn". She looked at me in amazement and said, "I'm seeing someone too and it's Simone!" She was so giddy and elated for coming out to me and quickly added, "You're the first person I've told". She said that she wasn't even looking for this as a relationship and added that their pairing for the past two months has been beautifully blissful. I could see that she was very happy and had so much to say but because of setting, we were limited. After a big ecstatic hug and finally having someone to talk to of this new found journey in her life, I was glad that she could confide in me. From that conversation, I jumped to Sara and asked how her hubby Ronny was. She took me aside and said that her and Ronny was in the process of a divorce. I almost didn't believe my ears and thought for sure that their relationship would be a lasting one. I found out afterwards from Norma, that Ronny had cheated on her and had asked for the divorce. I used to think of this man as the sweetest and most quietest thing, now I don't know what to think. I could see the sadness in her face, the physical and emotional toll that she's going through and all this after losing her father to illness in the Philippine at the earlier part of this year. I gave her a big hug and offered my sympathies to her. After cleaning up, we settled in to the living room with the remaining women still there. The conversation ran the gamut of topics from Hersterectomies, colonoscopy, ailments, old paddle stories, Norma being a mean person in those days and still is, upcoming vacations, our lives and where we were going, nothing too intense and only scratched the surface. By this time, 11:30pm had rolled around and it was time to say our goodbyes. This time our hugs were longer and lingering and our goodbyes had a deeper meaning of friendship.

Savers

is another "thrift" type store and is only two blocks from me and what a convenience it is. I love it since I rarely buy clothes for myself because most of my money goes towards my mortgage, bills and my son. When I do buy clothes, I frequent Savers...a lot! Today is my "Paris" group's annual holiday party and I need something nice to wear instead of my usual jeans and t-shirt. I found quite a few things and carted them off. Going so early in the morning, you get your pick of the best things that they tagged and put up on racks and shelves. Plus it was purple tag day and everything associated with that was half off....Ka-ching! I did manage to get a few nice blouses, shirts, pant and shorts. Yes, shorts, being Hawaiian I wear shorts rain or shine, hot and cold weather...whenever.
It's a potluck party and I am making potato salad. It's one of the favorites among this crowd and easy to make. The eggs were done boiling by the time I got back from Savers and in went the potatoes. My "Paris" group that I'm referring to is my over 40 in age group of friends that I've known 20 plus years ago when I paddled Outrigger Canoes in San Francisco and have kept in touch since. Our particular demographic is that we are all 45 this year and try to celebrate with a big trip. At 40, five of us took a week long trip to Paris and Nice. Inspite of our differences, it was a fantastic vacation. This year was very busy with everyone going to school, work, laid off from work, starting a new job and other set-backs that we weren't able to secure a date or destination. We still have until the end of this month to vote on a destination. It might even be a trip up to Napa for wine tasting and spas or a winter casino trip up to Lake Tahoe. I don't know yet, but I'll bring it up at our event tonight.
Lynn is out shopping at the Flea market in Palo Alto and doing her part in the spirit of the holidays. This is the start of her concert week and ends next weekend, so she'll be very busy rehearsing. I am trying my best to stay out of the malls and doing my shopping online and taking advantage of those companies that offer free shipping. It's so much easier and less hassling than going out and fighting for parking, the gifts and the people. I just don't enjoy doing that anymore. My sweetie's last concert will be next week and I will be spending a weekend in Santa Clara, Saturday and Sunday. During that time, we'll exchange gifts, spend some much needed time together and celebrate the holidays. I'm looking forward to that time with her very much.

I got approved

by my company's donation fund to the tune of $5000! That's such a relief for me to know that this payment will help me with my mortgage for the next two months. I was worried about this and now I can breath a little easier and know that this will carry me through the holidays. When I re-enter my employment in January 2008, I am so going to start contributing to this fund and what I could afford taken out of my paycheck and back into this fund. It is such a good thing for employees in need, like me. It seemed like everything started to fall into place and now I have to get my paperwork organized for next year. Tax time is right around the corner and as soon as my W-2 is online, my goal is to get my tax papers out in January. My bedroom is a total mess and littered with paperwork right now. I've got my shredder on one side and boxes holding receipts on the other side. My bed is has specific piles of paper, doctor, dentist, RA, grocery and miscellaneous receipts all bundled and ready to file away at the end of the month.
Lynn called me and told me about her hectic day at work. Poor thing, she sounds wiped out from her week. From a chorus mishap on Monday to not getting enough sleep to an angry Palestinian woman who disagreed with Lynn on her choice of holiday songs (Hanukkah) to teach her young child at a private school, has Lynn wanting to crawl back into bed for the rest of the afternoon. I don't blame her, I would too.

My son the Chef

Last night I had my 14 year old son help me make meatloaf. We took 5 pounds of ground turkey and mixed it with eggs, bread, seasoning and some catsup. I had him mix all of that together, since my RA was acting up and my fingers weren't being too cooperative, mold it and placed it into a pan and put it in the oven for about an 1 hours and 30 minutes. After letting the meatloaf rest, we sat down to a great dinner. The meatloaf turned out fantastic, almost better than grammas! It was moist, tender and well seasoned. Add some turkey gravy, mashed potatoes and veggies and that's dinner. He was very proud of himself for making such a tasty entree and we gave him unending compliments because it was really good.
I met Lynn for lunch today so that I could collect a "white elephant" gift that she was saving for me and I exchanged a 3 CD package of nursery songs that I was saving for her. Lunch was at a place in San Mateo called Wing Fat. It's a hole in the wall just on the corner of 3rd Ave and their lunch menu is great and very inexpensive. I had the chicken curry and vegetables over rice with hot and sour soup. Lynn had the chicken and snow peas with hot and sour soup. She looked a little tired from her night because had gone to sleep early. Then her daughter and husband were talking in a bedroom adjacent to hers and woke her up at 1am. She quietly told them to whisper or talk at the other end of the house. Then at 2am, her dog woke her up and needed to be let out to the garden. Then to wake back up at 7am and get ready for work, she was tired and I could see the tiredness as we ate lunch. With gifts exchanged for white elephant and her needing to go back to work and my needing to go to the lab and get my blood work done, we were off and running. I have a standing order at the lab for tests and need to come in every month. Next week is my doctor appointment with my RAtologist and I'm hoping everything will go well into the next phase of my medication.

Wake up Call

at 6:30am! Who the heck is calling me so early? As I rolled over to the side of my bed to retrieve my cell phone, it is not a phone number I recognize. I flip open my phone and on the other side is the faint voice of my daughter, who is whispering as not to wake someone else up! I answer, "Are you OK? Where are you?" She replies, "I'm at my friends house, can you come and pick me up in Millbrae?" Not ready to leave the warmth of my flannel bed sheets, I ask "Can't they drive you home?" "He doesn't have a car" she softly whispers. I'm thinking that I would have thought about all the particulars before accepting an invitation to someones home knowing full well that I don't have a car and will need a ride home. "Can you pick me up at 7?" she states. I reply, "That's in a half an hour!" I gave in, "Yes, but I'll be a little late pass 7". She says OK and hangs up. Groaning like a grumpy old bear, I slowly get up out of bed and take my medication. It takes me a while since I have tremendous pain in my right hand at the middle and index finger joint. Christ! I can't fully extend my fingers without wincing and grimacing at the pain. Since the lowering of my prednisone, familiar aches and pains are coming back to me. I don't like feeling this type of pain since it has already left me immobile a few times several months ago before I started on medication. I was helpless.
Throwing my sweats on is easier to handle than my jeans and t-shirt at this time and I was out the door to pick up my daughter with her directions she had given me earlier. I can't believe my life sometimes and wonder if anyone else goes through similar acts as I do.
I find her waiting outside of an apartment complex and she climbs into the truck. Right away she could sense that I was upset and apologized. I didn't say anything to her and we drove the long silent 20 minute ride home. Because freakin PG&E is working on my street, my driveway is blocked and I have to find parking on another street. Thank goodness the parking goddess was with me and I had to parallel park the big truck. Because of the pain in my right hand, it took me close to 6 minutes to maneuver and finally park. Nani took note of my right hand and asked if I was OK. I replied, "No, my hand hurts". She asked if there was anything that she could do and I stubbornly said, "No". We started to walk home and I told her that she could go on without me because i would be a little slower. She quickly stepped up her stride and hurried home. As I watched her walk away, I could feel that she was very remorseful about what happened. I felt guilty that I made her feel that way and wanted to let her know that I'm not well. Watching her walk, I saw an image of me thousands of moons ago, a strong, sensitive and independent young woman.
************** addendum ************************
Before leaving for work, Nani apologized to me for not knowing about my pain from my RA and making me pick her up this morning and I apologized to her for my ranting episode. With apologies accepted, we gave each other the usual kiss on the forehead and a big hug. It felt better to make up than be a sour grape all morning. I'm glad we did.

Santa bell ringers

are out in full force. I visited Pak-n-Save this morning to do some grocery shopping and just before leaving the store, I heard the familiar ringing bell. {Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring } There she was, giving everyone that passed her whether they gave money or not, an upbeat cheer or spirited salutation with a warm, genuine smile. As I put a few dollars in the trade mark tin, I noticed she was a little older, had the Santa hat on and sported the red apron, looking like Santa's elf. What really attracted me to her was her joyousness at being out there and collecting contributions on a cold and dreary, rainy day. As I put my groceries into the back of my truck, I overheard her talking to herself saying, "Thank you for Christmas, thank you for this day". She was in a state of constant joy and very comfortable with herself. At that moment, I envied her for volunteering her time, her spirit and pure joy in helping and being thankful. If I think that I'm at my lowest point, I think about others that are less fortunate that I am. I am very thankful for this day.

Cooking

It's one of the few things that I do enjoy. I love cooking for my family and friends, not often and when the mood strikes me. Most of the time, it's whatever is in the "fridge", out of a can, in a box or right out of the bag. Life's simplest pleasures, i do enjoy. I'm not sorry that i can't put it in a take-out bag and call it "McMom's" so that you will eat it, but you take what you get in my kitchen. I went through a remodeling last year in my kitchen when my brother and I agreed to this arduous task. Believe me, If I had to do it over again...."DON'T HIRE FAMILY" even if it's out of the goodness of their hearts. This particular endeavor took 8 months and now it is finally done, partially. At least the granite counter top, sink, faucet and new cabinets are in. We still have some sanding and painting to do but that will come in time. I am very glad to have my kitchen back after constantly going downstairs to my daughters little apartment and raiding her kitchen or the frequent trips to McD's, KFC and J-Box. I enjoy opening my new cabinets and looking in to pick out what I want to snack on. I don't have high hopes of my family recipes handed down from my mother to me to be passed onto my kids. They don't seem too interested in retaining the knowledge of old recipes. My son has helped me prepare the Kalua Pig and has watched me make Salvadorean Pupusas from scratch. He might be the "chef" in the family because he does enjoy cooking for himself and he's very good. Will they carry on my tradition of cooking? I can only hope.

Choral concert season

is in full swing and I can attest to that by being invited to a women's group from Walnut Creek by Lynn and her daughter Camden. It was an interesting concert more so than the usual ones that I've been attending with Lynn. Her director is the same man, very cute in the gay boy circle and partnered with a jealous older man. Hmm, we'll see how long that relationship will last. Conductor boys are prissy little things that need constant attention and primping. They are the darlings of the choral world.
The melodious sound of the guitar player was so soothing that I fell asleep every time he played. The concert was wonderful with similar twists to that of Lynn's chorus group. The finale was "Silent night" and done in a circle around the crowded church pews. It wasn't as throaty or had that deep womanly sound like Lynn's group, now there is a women's chorus. All in all, a good concert. Afterwards, a reception was thrown in the back room with cookies, cakes, veggie plates and wine. I was looking for coffee to keep me awake on the ride back over the Bay Bridge but one small glass of wine will do. Someone recognized me from my old outrigger paddle days, it was an old friend I used to co-ed with. I hadn't seen Bobby in 15 years and he still looked the same, a little heavier and a lot less hair but still had a great sense of humor. He introduced me to his 2ND wife, Lauren, who was also part of the concert as a dancer with her troupe. We talked about old times, the people we knew and where they are, the amount of drinking we used to do and trouble we used to get in to. How during camp outs he would sing a song but could never remember the words to the ending. That was the good ol days. We exchanged phone numbers and will hopefully keep in touch with each other. That was the highlight of my day. I was a bit tired from the reduction of my medication and am feeling the effects of it. I'm now at half a tablet of prednisone every odd day until I see my RAtologist on Dec 12Th for my third phase of the medication bout. I keep thinking healing thoughts.

Things that make me feel better

and one of them is coloring my hair. It's time to do that when my gray hair starts to frame my face and I look like those recess monkeys, I am SO vain. Lynn and I have often said, "When do you think we'll stop coloring our hair?" I replied, "When hell freezes over or when they don't make Nutrisse anymore!" We both agreed in unison. At 40, looking in the mirror isn't a matter of "Do I look still look good". It's a matter of how many more new wrinkles have cropped up overnight and are visible or the new age spot that I've been calling a "beauty mark" that has turned another shade of brown. I can see the ageing process has begun slowly. Not so much the pillow bags under my eyes but my hair. It used to be really long, past my waist until I got it cut off about 6 inches on my trip to the Philippines in Feb of this year. My hair had grown to different lengths of various strands and a good salon was recommended through a coworker friend and trusted the woman who had my "hair" in her hands and besides, she was very cute. Being of Hawaiian/Tahitian descent, my hair is very thick and wavy. In the words of Lynn's daughter Bryn, she voted it officially "ruffly". After she washed and combed out my long, dark, tangle mane she proceeded to put my hair up in sections and carefully measured and cut. I could see in the mirror that she took great care and effort in handling my hair and my emotions as I watched my curly locks fall effortlessly on the floor. I haven't cut my hair since I was 14 years old and the birth of my children, my hair grew longer and I let it grow. My friends and co-workers have always asked me if I would cut it and this seemed like a better time than any. The whole cutting process took about 45 minutes and then she tackled the job of french braiding my hair. NO ONE has ever done that to my hair and I was surprised and shocked that it could be done! I had a pedicure, massage, facial, ear cleaning, shampoo, cut and braid all for $25.00us. I gave her a big tip because she was worth it and she bought me a "red horse" beer. I kept my braid in for two days before I loosened it up again and saw how short it was. My hair had fallen to the middle part of my upper back. Very short and something that I've gotten used to. I emailed Lynn telling her that I cut my hair and told her that she now has longer hair than mine. Her hair falls past her waist as well. Being a Caucasian woman from the South, she has very smooth, straight brown hair and has said a few times, "if you cut your hair too short, I'll divorce you!" Which is all in fun, I know she loves me too much to do that. I'm rambling here but yes, I love to color my hair because it definitely makes me feel better and gives me the lift that I need sometimes when my life spirit has dropped a few bars. It's what I crave among other things.