Where have you been?

It has been some time since I have posted here. I have many half written and almost finished posts that I need to set up to send out but have not had a chance to do that. Work has been tremendously busy as well as my life. My taxes were sent out on the due date online only to be rejected by the IRS due to the father claiming my son on his taxes as a dependant and for what? The boy hardly sees that dead beat anyway. After re-submitting the paper and extra documentation by snail mail, I will again wait for their decision. Also, I am trying to work out a lower payment factor in my mortgage in the hopes of NOT being one of the millions of homeowners who are walking away from their properties and mailing in my keys or the so called "jingle mail" syndrome. Gas prices are high, food prices are even higher. My grocery bill has gone up by at least $50.00 more than usual and we've scaled back on our buying strategies and sticking on what we really need or are going to cook for the next few days. I'm stocking up on soups since that is relatively cheap but loaded with sodium and only for a raining day to fill in. I've been picking up lots of hours at work and padding my paycheck to counter the rising prices of our economy but it's a no win situation. Just try to stay afloat and surviving. My RA has been easy to work with as long as I am taking my medication. Granted, I missed my Humira by three days and I'm hoping that it won't be a big deal when I take my second dose this month, on-time! Lynn finally got her annuity rolled over into an IRA and is very estatic about that but in the same breath, she found out a very good friend and choir sister has passed away today and is feeling very sad about that. I'm hoping that my life will start to unwrinkle the numerous bumps in the road as I go along and trying hard not to think the worse.

Before Humira

I was a complete mess of human less flesh. The pain was excruciating and my body was not mine. It felt alien and unknown to me. My joints were very hard to control let alone involve movement of any kind. Flareups? What the hell is that? In the dictionary the meaning: to start up or burst out in sudden, fierce activity or passion. This definitely was not passion! My immune system was on an all out assault throughout my body. I was not ready for this type of vicious attack. My diagnosis floored me. What? Where? How? Why me? In the end, all of this points to, "No Cure"! I think I've said this a time or two but only as a reminder to myself. I've signed on to a research company in San Francisco as a participant of RA and in the hope of them finding a cure for this terrible disease. So far, all of my medications have been working for me. As I look back to the time without Humira and where I was, it was a dark time for me. I was going through quite a bit of depression, but there was so much for me to do to keep my mind off of what I was feeling that there was no time for me to sit back and feel sorry for myself. I had a family to be in charge of, an unfinished kitchen remodel, employers that I had to work for and bills to pay. There was just too much to do and I was not going to let this disease hamper me in any way. I put my life in the hands of a world renown Rheumatologist and whatever he said to take as far as medications, I took. So far, his advice of resting, medication and monitoring are working. I am back to a full work schedule, my kitchen is finished and my family and friends still loves me. I am in a better state of mind and a much peaceful place of body.

Delayed

out of Las Vegas due to San Francisco weather. My flight on US AIR was running about an hour and a half behind schedule. I was truly hoping it would not be delayed any further as I have a rescheduled RA appointment at 4:00pm. As a standby employee, I was cleared immediately by the nice male gate agent who gave me an aisle seat close to the front of the aircraft. With another SFO flight that was scheduled and now delayed, the agent working that one started piling passengers onto my flight which was now going to be very full. Needless to say, I made it. While waiting in the boarding area, I noticed "Dog, the bounty hunter", from Hawaii sitting at the slot machine area being closely watched by his co-worker/body guard. In a few seconds, his wife Beth showed up by his side and you can't miss her! I tried to dish out my camera from my bag but they were gone at the sound of the 1st class boarding announcement for Phoenix. That would have been a sweet picture.
My flight home was a little turbulent as we landed in raining San Francisco a little after 2:00pm. I drove home to check up on my son and the house and let Lynn know that I landed safely.
I had not seen my RAtologist since December when I started my Humira injections. In between that time, I have taken a few blood tests at the lab and so far, he is very pleased at where my marks are. My SED rate when I first started in August was over 100 when my Primary doctor diagnosed me. My RA, one week later pegged it at 96. Today, he stated it was at 32. He lowered my Prednisone from one and half tablet to one only. I'm still taking one folic acid and one multi-vitamin daily. 4 tablets of Methotrexate is still taken weekly. He was also very pleased to hear that I have not taken any Aleve or Motrin for pain. I would really rather feel the pain than NOT to feel any pain. How else can I identify if my body is hurting? My visits with him will be twice a year and hopefully down to once a year unless anything significant happens between now and then. I'll still be coming in monthly for more expanded blood tests which he will CC to my primary doctor. I am very happy that he's happy. I feel wonderful right now and very pleased with the results of my medication. Sure, I've gained a bit of weight versus the pain but to keep myself in check and back to normal, it's worth a little weight gain.

Fifth shot, right thigh, missed a day

It still doesn't get easier as I continue to inject myself with the Humira medication. I still talk myself into it and still wince upon application of it to my thigh area. I imagine that when I'm 65, I will be more tolerant of this procedure. I missed yesterday's injection due to that I work through several shifts and did not have the Humira with me. My RA said to take it immediately the next day and resume my injection the next time. I felt so bloated and swollen yesterday that during a few brief break times, I was able to put my feet up and rest. I felt much better after a nap and I promised that I will not ever work that type of shift again. Working 20 plus hours in a day is crazy, so what was I thinking? I have to learn to say "NO"!
I rested all day today and if felt good to stay in bed until 10:00am. After some leisure time, I got ready to run some errands before the weekend. I dropped into the lab to submit more blood for my RA appointment next week, visited the bank to make a deposit and filled up my truck tank with gas for forty dollars which does not go a long way anymore.
Coming home to a quiet environment, I relish the thought of taking another nap but instead I watch the American Idol reruns that I TiVo'd and have a plate of leftover spaghetti.

Blogs

on Rheumatoid Arthritis is plentiful and abound on the Internet. In my search for knowledge about this disease that has taken up residence in my body, I am the gracious host and have learned to co-exist with this foreign invader by administering medicine that will help to keep the swelling from gravitating upwards making my fingers look like pudgy sausages and from the excruciating pain that rides along with it. Of course there are side effects and a myriad of other problems that come with taking these medicines. My RAtologist is keeping a close watch on my blood and my state of mind during my appointments. There are many helpful and informative sights on RA originating from society and centers for health. Knowledgeable as they are, the blogs or rather reports are very detailed as far as talking about the factors, symptom's and depth of the disease. I find comfort in the blogs written in part by people like me that have a life, family, work and are trying to understand the "why me?" syndrome. I remember when I was first diagnosed with this disease. I was thinking, "ok, it's not Cancer" and I wasn't really too worried about it. After delving into the Internet on any and all information about rheumatoid arthritis, I was exhausted. The only visual material wording that stunned me in all of these blogs were the words, "No Cure". At least Cancer has a cure! My emotions were overwhelmed and I cried for a few moments at a time. There was too much for me to do before I become totally debilitated by this disease. It took me a few months say the word "disease" and acknowledge it as such. After a healthy amount of reading and extensive visits with my RAtologist, my state of mind is in a better place and attitude. I have learned to cope with this foreign resident and have given everything it needs so that we can peacefully co-exist one day at a time.

Lord, give me strength

in tempering my soul, mind and thoughts with my children. My second daughter, Pua, went AWOL last night from the facility where she was a resident. Her sometimes boyfriend, Adolpho, drove to Sacramento, picked her up and brought her to his place in Redwood City. Then drove her back to my home to spend a few days with us. It is always a problematic reunion between Nani (oldest daughter), Manny (only son) and Pua (second daughter). Nani and my son live at home with me and Pua abides her time in and out of mental facilities and group homes. She has been out of my home since she was diagnosed at 16 years old with schizophrenia, depression and was made a ward of the state at her request. Now at 23, she infrequently comes home and when she does, it can be very chaotic at times. Her facility environment consists of a tumultuous, boisterous and many times violent atmosphere to where she has her guard up twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Patients that she may call her friend one day could end up fighting her the next day without any explanation or cause. Tempers flare quickly and often in crowded facilities like hers.
Word of her escaping her facility last night was a phone call to her siblings and they in turn, called me at work. The questions, fears and worries of how Pua will manage without her medication. Pua's fear and loathing of not wanting to go back to her facility. Everyone looking at Mom and what I decide to do. Tired and wearisome, I can only go by the moments in time. Planning ahead in this particular situation is meaningless. Erratic, Nomadic and unpredictability is Pua's modus operandi and just cause for not planning. Where will she go from here? It is anyone's guess.

Another work day

and I'm back in the groove again. Slowly my co-worker and friends find out that I have returned to work, very glad to see that I am feeling well. It seems that I am not the only one that they know who has rheumatoid arthritis, there are countless others and they all offer suggestions on how to cure myself from eating the marrow from a cook beef bone to juices from exotic berries. From what I have read, my disease is treatable and manageable but incurable. It is a lifetime of chronic pain and if left on it's own without the proper medication, it can be unkind and horrific to the human body. For now, this medication will have to do and I'm trusting that the medical field will find a cure for this disease as well as many others out there.
Work was very demanding tonight, passengers are carrying everything on board with them and it is wearisome on our part be the bad guys to always take their carry on away from them due to lack of overhead space in our bins.
Flights were arriving late due to East Coast weather making our outbound flights delayed as well. Passengers want to hear what was the reason for the delay and no matter what we tell them, they always have opinions of their own. I stayed for forty five minutes of overtime and am looking for more, where ever I can get it. Because I am vacation relief, I will be bidding again for February and have chosen to go mornings but no too early of a shift. That way I can pick up hours at night and on my days off and still have the flexibility of controlling what I want. Tomorrow, I plan on starting a walking regimen and going to my local track and field for laps. I have missed exercise in my life for many years and need to put that back into the start of my day. Morning arrives too quickly when your scheduled off this late at night.

Hurricane force winds

have descended upon my little town of Daly City. I woke up to the muffled sounds of a chainsaw, heavy pelting rain and the howling gusty winds as my electricity flickered valiantly during the onslaught of mother nature's fury on this bleary grey morning. Watching the winds pummel my pear and lemon trees as it whipped around the leafless branches. My RA office called me to let me know that my final revised re-certification form to admit me back to work will be faxed within 10 minutes. I have a doctors appointment to find out the status of my pelvic examination and a mystery shop at an oil changers shop. Venturing out today was going to be a treacherous adventure.
Leaving my home was like nothing I had ever seen before. Hundreds upon hundreds of leaves, pine needles and other greenery were spewed all over the street and sidewalks. Empty garbage cans were rolling and crashing into the unknown. What used to sound like a small trickle coming from the water drain for the runoff now sounded like thundering waterfalls with an endless amount of energy. Darkened street lights and bent stop signs were remnants of this morning. Intersections was a cat and mouse game, drivers flagrently disobeying the law and utter chaos ensued when drivers would speed up and hydroplane causing a massive wall of water on an unsuspecting and often startled pedestrian. Upon arriving at my doctors office, I noticed that the parking lot was void of cars, people and activity. A closer look at the sign on the door read, "Building closed". There was no electricity in the building, no sign of life. My brother called me to let me know that there was no power in San Bruno, which was my next destination for the oil change shop. That is now cancelled and I decided to drive to the airport to pick up my revised copy of the faxed doctors report.
It was chaotic at the airport. Passenger flights were anywhere from 2-6 hour delayed because of the weather. My co-workers were very busy and my morning supervisor was stressed out from her day. I was so glad to not start back so soon. With my copy of the report in hand, I left quietly and continued home. Devastation from the storm was evident by all of the damaged trees and store closures due to lack of electricity. Accidents were few and rain was plenty, I was very glad to be home.

Great start

to my New Year by staying home in my robe and slippers all day today, watched the Law and Order marathon, answered emails and feasted to my heart's content. This was the day where I did absolutely nothing, no opening any paper mail, paid no bills, did not drive anywhere, no shopping, no outing with friends, no concerts or walks in the park, nada! I'm in supreme bliss in my overstuffed reclining chair with the T.V. blaring a senseless commercial as I have caught myself napping only to awaken to the sound of MTV's hype on "Tila Tequila". Pathetic woman, is she who picked a man who's heart she will break over the real woman she could have had and should have picked but would have broken her heart as well.
I'm enjoying my quiet time and this is the only day that I will be seduced into being this unsystematic with myself. I'm due back to work on January 16th with my uniform pressed, prim and proper reporting to the front-line. I wouldn't say that I'm being thrown back in with the wolves but rather reaquainting myself. I have over twenty five years of customer service experience, eleven of which are at the airport and I take great pleasure and pride in what I do. Days like today will be far and few in between with the work I do and how active my life is and will get. I look forward, wholeheartedly, to seeing my friends and co-workers whom I've missed and my work, immensely.

Up early

to tackle my day. Life must go on after all. I have make a phone call to the doctors after 10:00am so that they can slot me in to take my Humira shot with a pen looking device I picked up yesterday at Walgreen's. Since I have a great medical plan, this prescription only costed me $25.00 co-payment. After looking at the "you saved" part, it blew me away! My insurance saved me $1654.99!! Can you freakin believe that? Expensive little things and they also need to be refrigerated. For now, my medication calls for an injection every other week. I have a three week vacation coming up in March and I'll have to re-think my destination. This vacation was planned for February, that's when Lynn and I were thinking of escorting her daughter Camden to London and spending a few days there for our mini vacation. I thought for sure I had the correct dates but miss bid my vacation to March. My daughter Nani always says, "things happen for a reason". My excuse is, "I'm gettin' old". Instead, I was thinking on visiting some friends of mine. Pearl and her partner Michelle in Alabama, recently moved Marilee in Atlanta and Angie and her partner in Florida. Maybe my fly boy, the international gay playboy of the skies, Michael, and pay a visit to him in Florida.
So, I have to find some time today to get this shot administered and get my loan papers ready for Sarah this weekend as our ladies group will be going to a few parties. Again to see an old friend in the city who is throwing one at his place. Ken is a long time friend who I haven't seen for at least 10 years since we got together in New Orleans for Halloween when my hula group was there performing for a well to do artsy gentleman. From what I hear, he lives in a loft. I'm not sure if he's partnered. Many of my gay men friends have beautiful huge lofts in the city. Why? So that they can throw the most fabulous parties and galas you have ever seen. Their parties are truly amazing!
I'm steering away from the subject again. I do that quite a bit and don't mean to. I've got to fill out papers for my 401k loan process which didn't get processed for some reason. I'll have to go into work to get a copy of the doctor papers that re-certified me unable to work for this month of December and to pick up my bid sheet for my new work schedule.
I finally wrote an email last night asking Lynn for my small refrigerator back because it belongs to my son. I haven't received an answer yet. I know we are both trying to process what happened this past Monday because I totally cut her off without an explanation or conversation but said everything in a subtle email. It wasn't vicious or attacking because I was hurting and still love her to some magnitude. I'm sure she's hurting and devastated like I am but for different reasons. I thought that I would pick up the "fridge" since I was going to be down that way in San Mateo for my appointment. It could be that I just want to see her again. Hear what she has to say. Or me being an idiot and thinking that I could take her back and forget about everything. My thoughts about us living together in our Golden Years, implosion complete, damage is done. OK Lani, bend over so that I can kick you in the arse and knock some sense into you! Reality sets in and the truth is known. I can't go back, not after what has been done, written, said or otherwise. Move on, Lani, move on! Yes, I will. One step at a time. One step at a time.

Hoping that

this was all a horrible bad dream and I haven't been awaken from this deep abyss of sleep. I'm in a state of depression and feeling like the loneliest soul on the planet. I'm still in bed by noon and under the covers of my warm flannel sheet, comfortable, quiet and away from all of the madness of these past few days. The quietness is consuming me where I once had an active volume of cell phone chatter because of my daily conversations with Lynn about everyday life, has come to a complete halt. Except for the familiar emails from my close circle of friends making plans for this weekend, my life is at a standstill. There is so much that I have to do that it has fallen by the wayside to make room for my loss.... my grieving emotional loss. I'm sure it has taken a toll on my health but not for the worse. My zombie like stature is on auto pilot and going through my earthly routine, robotically. The all too familiar ring that I assigned to Lynn has been silent. Where I used to run and jump at her ring tone to answer the phone, I have quietly pressed ignore. Do I still want an explanation from her? Do I care? The questions running rampant in my mind should we meet again. Her insatiable need to be needed. We all need to be needed. I need to be needed. One person is not enough. I wasn't enough. I haven't cried since finding out that fateful Monday. Am I waiting for the tears to come? They don't. Am I heartless for not crying? Stunned, perhaps. In denial? Maybe.
I will no longer hear the music of raindrops softly pelting on my window sill or see how bright and beautiful the full moon shines. The colors have faded and start to blend. How magnanimous of Lynn to show me the other side of this life. The side where no one wants to see or be a part of, but somehow I arrive here. No fences, wires or gates to hold me in. I can leave at anytime but I resist. I have fallen from Grace in all of it's beauty and riches. Only to stand here at the crossroad of my life, broken and forgotten. My tears start to flow like sheets of rain on the dry Kalahari desert as my arms caress me like the gentle ocean wave bringing me to shore to rest peacefully in the warmth of the sand.

Eligible for social security

It's good to know that I can claim social security should I become completely disabled and not work at my current employment. My disease, Rheumatoid Arthritis, is covered under their umbrella of eligibility. My doctor is going to release me back to work on January 13th, 2008 and if all goes well, I'll be able to pick up much needed ours to pay most of my bills that will come due. It's not easy staying home from a disability after being able to work since I was 18 years old. I went to a Junior College for one semester and that's all I needed to find out that College wasn't for me. While I was there, I took up your general education subjects, accounting, typing, recreation, writing, P.E. and made the woman's softball team. I didn't have a direction or goal until I took up a "recreation class" under the guidance of Tony Ruiz. He was a short bearded man with a passion for recreation and the arts. From there, I went to work for Daly City Recreation Department as a playground team leader for the city of Colma. I received my own playground with an awesome group of kids. Summer time was best because of the field trips that I would go on and supervise. Later, I would monitor Tennis Courts and then graduated to monitoring and supervising the War Memorial Gym. I had the keys to the city, literally.
After my two girls were born about five years later, I worked as a Bus driver in those yellow buses for San Mateo for about a year. A hula brother of mine approached me and recruited me to drive for a travel agency where he worked in accounting. I would drive a little GEO around San Francisco and the East Bay and deliver airline tickets to Departments such as the Postal Inspectors, Department of Energy, Department of Justice and a Science Lab. Two years later, I was let go because of the economy's downturn. At this time, I was a steers woman of a premier team of Outrigger Canoe paddlers and winning regattas every chance we got and I danced for a hula troupe in San Francisco and we were untouchable in competition and exhibitions. Soon that had to slow down because my children were getting older as well as my parents and I needed to stay home more. I interned and eventually went to work for an airline, Mark Air which is now defunct and my friend and supervisor, Alan, called and asked me to work as team lead in his reservation department for another start up carrier, Sierra Expressway over in Oakland. They flew to Sacramento and other hubs operated by United Express. A year later they dissolved. A few months down the road, I answered an ad in the paper for a major airline at the San Francisco International Airport. It was an open call and on the first day 300 people showed up at the 1st session! I'm not sure of how many people they were looking for but a few days later, I went for an interview and and got the job. It's been a little over 11 years now with the same company and am very happy being here. I love my coworkers and the travel benefits are unbeatable. I look forward to going back to work and seeing everyone. This time off has been a breath of fresh, much needed, air.

Humira

is the name of my next set of medicine that I will be taking. My RAtologist did not like where my marks were at this time and increased my prednisone to 2 tablets tonight and two tomorrow morning to kick start it and hopefully to me in better spirits and out of the pain that I am in right now. He explained that I will have to be checked with a TB shot before taking the Humira and gave me three choices on how to take it. The first being that I would have to come into the office and have the medicine administered by IV and one hour to sit in the office. The second would be to self inject myself with one shot every two months or third, coming into the office every week for a shot. I'm not too keen on self administering shots to myself and of course the IV sounded wonderful until he showed me the tampon looking tube of medicine that I would be taking. I wouldn't have to see the needle but I will feel a little sting. It looked very uncomplicated and easy but was not going to get that today. They have to check with my health plan to make sure that they can pay for most of it. After further researching, I found out that this particular medicine can cost upwards of $13-$15,000.00 dollars for a year! Holy Crap! I hope i don't have to pay for any of this.
It's time to refill all of my medicine and I'm so glad that it costs me a mere $5.00 per prescription to do that. Walgreen's gives you instructions along with your prescription and it also tells you how much you saved. I better keep working for as long as I can at least up until I'm 60 but I may have to settle for 55.

Lunch with Casino Brothers

My favorite co-workers and friends, Mel and Jaz, treated me out Hokkaido's for lunch today. Talk about the mother of all buffets, this is the one! It is a Japanese buffet located in Foster City at the Bridgepoint Mall where the Ice skating rink is and is very inexpensive. Their food is served and presented exquisitely and the buffet stations are strategically placed so that they utilize both sides of the food bars. You've got your sushi of all kinds and is to die for, crab, stuffed oysters, tempura, soups, more than 10 different entrees, fruit, salad and dessert stations all at an affordable price. The gastronomic rule of eating at this type of buffet is to pace yourself. Make sure the foods that you eat mix well with a diet that you're used to otherwise, you'll be in the restroom all day with a sour stomach. Our conversation ran the gamut of work, holiday party and Casino's. Mel and Jaz are Diamond members at the Rio All Suite Hotel in Las Vegas and can literally request a hotel room at their convenience. I am a mere Platinum member and I'm less than six hundred points away from a Diamond. They are planning on a trip to Harrah's in Lake Tahoe sometime this month. I'm going along for the ride and haven't seen snow since my girls were 4 and 6, almost 18 years ago. With goodbye's being said, it was time to go.
I had a dentist appointment at 3:45 and had to go home to brush and floss my teeth after that big lunch. Dr. Naeimi at Gentle Dental in Daly City is a wonderful dentist. She really takes the time and care to explain what she is going to do as far as shots of novocaine to numb you to the health of your teeth and gums. Her assistant recreated a bridge for me last year to fill in a missing molar that I had. He shaped it so well that it feels like a part of my teeth structure. I told her about my RA and the medicines that I'm taking and seemed concerned about my health. Dr. Naeimi explained that since I hadn't been back in more than a year, my mouth developed bits of calcium deposits on random areas of my teeth. She didn't sound too happy with the x rays that she viewed and said that I'll need to come in every four months to have my teeth cleaned. I'm hoping that this won't be too expensive. For today, she did a deep cleaning on my right side and will do my left side next week. She also found a small pocket in the upper part of the gum where it had receded a few milliliters letting in the deposits and slowly eroding and causing bone loss. With the quarterly cleaning regimen, she'll make sure to put antibiotics there to prevent any infections. After my co-pay of three hundred some odd dollars, I saved a little over nine hundred dollars! I don't know what hurt more, the novocaine or the co-pay. I said my goodbyes and got an especially long winded goodbye from a "futch" (femme/butch) woman I haven't seen there before. She must have been hired to help take care of all the back log of patients that they receive. I definitely got a vibe that she was "family". After I said goodbye to the ladies behind the desk and they replied a short goodbye, she was turning off the Christmas lights and turned to tell me, looking beyond her Harry Potter glasses, "Goodbye now, drive carefully and see you soon". I mustered a Novocaine smile and said, "G'nite" and thought to myself, yep she's family.