My birthday month

Here it is, the month of March. Sometimes I feel like such an old lady slowly creeping into my fabulous 50's. I'm almost 4 years away from that number. I've been super busy with my personal life as I have vacation for the next two weeks. I was in Hawaii for my birthday with my good friend Darrell from work. We had a wonderful time doing tourist things, sightseeing, partying and eating. Events that we were not looking for were presented to us on a silver spoon without fail and we went with the flow of things. It's great that we are both like that and make for awesome travel partners. Besides my Lynn, Darrell is the next best thing to a travel companion. We rented a cute little convertible Sebring for two days and toured the rugged country side of Waianae and Makaha. It's desolate beaches and pristine sand made the long journey worth wild. We explored a roadside cave, picnicked alongside the beautiful blue ocean and enjoyed the warmth of the sun with the car top down and my long "ruffly" hair flowing in the wind. We managed to sneak in a parade, saw a Tahitian competition, watched the "girly boys" show off at Queen's beach in Waikiki and had the Royal Hawaiian Pineapple drink at the beautiful "pink palace". Leaving Hawaii is always hard for me because of my roots here. But then again, leaving Hawaii is hard for everyone.

The Moss Beach Distillery

was our location for lunch today with my friends. This little jewel of a restaurant sits pass the Devil Slide area atop a bluff with majestic views of the ocean. Our initial restaurant was going to be the Chart House which is now the Outrigger, has been closed due to renovation. We drove further down the road and saw the signs indicating the Distillery and followed that. Winding our way through the neighborhood, we saw beautiful homes dotted along the beach front area. It was a little past 1:00pm and the restaurant was quite empty at this time. Our waitress, Courtney, seated us at a table with a commanding view of the ocean. The menu was genuinely authentic with a wide variety of flavors ranging from healthy appetizers to amazingly tasteful entrees. It was a bit expensive but the fare was large in portions and wonderfully fresh. I would definitely love to bring Lynn here for lunch or dinner and go for a stroll along the pathways to watch the sunset. It is absolutely romantic and timeless.
With our bellies full and impeccable service, it was time to go. With restrictions being that we had children to pick up and teenagers that we had to be home for, we were sorry to leave. Another time perhaps and maybe we might even see the "Blue Lady".

Hoping that

this was all a horrible bad dream and I haven't been awaken from this deep abyss of sleep. I'm in a state of depression and feeling like the loneliest soul on the planet. I'm still in bed by noon and under the covers of my warm flannel sheet, comfortable, quiet and away from all of the madness of these past few days. The quietness is consuming me where I once had an active volume of cell phone chatter because of my daily conversations with Lynn about everyday life, has come to a complete halt. Except for the familiar emails from my close circle of friends making plans for this weekend, my life is at a standstill. There is so much that I have to do that it has fallen by the wayside to make room for my loss.... my grieving emotional loss. I'm sure it has taken a toll on my health but not for the worse. My zombie like stature is on auto pilot and going through my earthly routine, robotically. The all too familiar ring that I assigned to Lynn has been silent. Where I used to run and jump at her ring tone to answer the phone, I have quietly pressed ignore. Do I still want an explanation from her? Do I care? The questions running rampant in my mind should we meet again. Her insatiable need to be needed. We all need to be needed. I need to be needed. One person is not enough. I wasn't enough. I haven't cried since finding out that fateful Monday. Am I waiting for the tears to come? They don't. Am I heartless for not crying? Stunned, perhaps. In denial? Maybe.
I will no longer hear the music of raindrops softly pelting on my window sill or see how bright and beautiful the full moon shines. The colors have faded and start to blend. How magnanimous of Lynn to show me the other side of this life. The side where no one wants to see or be a part of, but somehow I arrive here. No fences, wires or gates to hold me in. I can leave at anytime but I resist. I have fallen from Grace in all of it's beauty and riches. Only to stand here at the crossroad of my life, broken and forgotten. My tears start to flow like sheets of rain on the dry Kalahari desert as my arms caress me like the gentle ocean wave bringing me to shore to rest peacefully in the warmth of the sand.

A rainy crappy day

After a fitful night of sleep, I don't see the beauty in small things anymore. My general well being is "shot to hell" because of yesterdays surprise. To top it off, I had a dentist appointment today for another deep cleaning on the other side of my mouth and a hit to my wallet. I thought, "Forget the Novocaine, I would welcome the pain, drill the hell away". Anything would be better than what I'm feeling right now. Since I'm not allowed to eat or drink and didn't want to go home after the appointment, I went the pier in Pacifica. It was raining too hard to get out and didn't feel like dealing with the rain and all, so I stayed in the warmth of my heated truck. I sat and watched the muddy green ocean waves crest and break over the rock barrier. A few people strolled the boardwalk and braved the windy cold air as the rain continued it's assault causing me to shiver. Being restless, I didn't stay too long at the beach. What was once an enjoyable thing for me to do, was now unpleasant. I made my way home, changed out of my clothes and into my sweats. After several unanswered cell calls this morning, the last call from Lynn was at 11:06am. I'm sure she got my email by now. Where's that Motrin? I'm going back to sleep.

Stay

if only but for a moment
our passionate inferno of kisses
cease to relent

your warmth of what I know
rises up to greet me
my eager hands trace your curves
you're a vision to see

locked in your embrace
your essence, your scent
as my lips find your island
my primal urge will not spent

your fruit so ripe
edible to taste
hot, melting sweetness
I will not waste

your long brown hair
flows on the bed sheet
like a long winding river
never ending to greet

your familiar thighs
within, I nest
nibbling, kisses, biting
I know, no rest

as my ocean lashing begins to churn
and your turbulent river starts to rise
your once delicate moans
turn to soprano cries

I grip your beautiful body
within my hold
made for me
poured from a mold

our time shortened
as the night moves on
with a kiss on my lips
and she was gone

your essence, your glow
a fact that is true
Merry Christmas, my darling
I love you

TGIF

Even tho I'm not working right now, i am thankful. I'll be busy this afternoon with going to pick up some duraflame logs that someone offered for free on Craigslist. They are the 4 hour ones and he has 9 of them that i will pick up, besides, I'll be passing by Ocean beach and that alone is worth the ride. Later on this evening, I'll be going with "mama Diane" to drop her and Maurice off at their counseling session and we will all be going to see the play I saw last week, "Stardust and empty Wagons" at the Brava theatre. Neither of them have seen it yet and "mama" is pretty excited about that. I stopped by the Goodwill store in the Haight District to see if I could find a "white elephant" gift for a party that I'll be going to in December. As friends, this particular group tries to get together and go on outings for drinks and dinner to catch up on our lives. The last one of "groupies" has turned 45 which is the magic number for our trips. Unfortunately, with some of us going back to school, time restraints and loss of loved ones, we did not find the time to take our trip that we have taken every 5 years. We made plans to go to New York, cruise to the Bahamas, fly to Greece and cruise around the island but none of that ever materialized. So we will settle for a holiday party. I didn't find a gift but I found a few nice cheap Cd's. I picked up Mama and Maurice and started for the theatre. Traffic was heavier than usual probably because of the football game in town and the start of the holiday traffic season. We found a good parking space in the Mission, had good dinner at a Salvadorean restaurant and got our theatre tickets. Our seats were very good and you could see well from our position. The Hot 8 band from New Orleans were playing and they were awesome as ever. Mama enjoys a good band with her hand waving in the air as she stood up to applaud them for making the journey to San Francisco. The theatre was very full and there was a great repoire with the audience and the cast. We didn't get out from the play until 11:00pm and I still had to drive Mama and Maurice home to Burlingame and get myself home in time to get a few hours of sleep before taking Carmen to work at 4:00am.