Highway 101

shut down yesterday because of a tanker spill causing traffic to be rerouted through once quiet neighborhoods and hours wasted in perpetual commotion. Fortunately, I was not in it but saw the news on T.V. from work, thinking that there will be many passengers late for their flight if they hadn't tuned in. Carried over today, the left lanes are still blocked and the 511 traffic information has issued a severe alert to avoid 101 if at all possible and look for alternate routes. Lynn has a meeting today with Dr. Snow in Palo Alto at 4:00pm and if it were not for this accident, I would attend. Instead, I declined because of the horrid traffic I would have to contend with on the return going to work.
The meeting today would consist more of Lynn's relationship with her mother. Defining that her mother, as abusive as she was in her younger years, is now older and cannot harm Lynn. And yet, with harsh memories of Lynn's abuse, she remembers, vividly, each hit, swat, paddle or verbal assault being said to her or her siblings. Lynn was the caretaker and protector. How one so little and innocent can be subjected to such crimes by the hand of her own mother. It is unimaginable. On the other hand, my father was the disciplinarian. My mother could only stand by to listen to our cries as we were hit by my father's bare hand upon our backside. I tend to think that my sister was the favorite because she was rarely hit at all. My brother and I, because of our mischievous antics and my being such a rebel, we were always being spanked or locked downstairs in the cold dark basement. My brother was always the one to stay close to the door, breathing up the bottom light for fear of seeing into the void of the monsters he would dream up to scare his sisters with. Fearful of the dark and the demons that lay beyond the stair, I would hear him whimper. Mom would eventually let us upstairs and into our room without dinner. Our tummies grumbling, we were more terrified of our father and went to sleep that way. Hours later before my father would leave for work, I would listen to his rituals of making sure the windows and doors were locked. He would appear at each of his child's bedside and offer kisses upon their foreheads as if he were asking for forgiveness of his abuse. He would achieve this act of love until we were in our early teens. I'm not sure if my brother or sister had any recollection of this fatherly act of love but that memory of him remains.

Counting the days

of when I will be back at work which will be January 16th. It has been nearly four months since I was working last and my longest leave of any type. All of this due to my rheumatoid arthritis and the medications that I need in order to stay well and in good health. I was very much a workaholic during my past work era and would work 16-18 hour days without any rest and only napping when there was time. Exhaustion and no rest is probably what opened me up to letting my immune system down and thus my developing this type of arthritis. Tomorrow I will meet with my primary doctor and receive the results of last weeks pelvic sonogram. I am a little anxious on what she will tell me and I only hope that it is good news.
Speaking of appointments, I will be attending a counseling session with Lynn on Wednesday. We will be attending as a couple in need of understanding an "approval addiction" that Lynn has. It is an addiction that has spanned back to her childhood and that of her abusive mother. Lynn cannot come to terms with loving herself and those very close to her heart and has chosen inappropriate ways to express her need for approval. One of which she has hurt me with and I have forgiven her when she explained this addiction to me. Through counseling, I will hope to understand how and why Lynn does these things. Strengthening our fragile bond that has almost been torn knowing full well how much I love her and she of me.

The Spirit of Christmas

After waking up this morning at 11:00am, my body is not in the Christmas spirit. I could have slept in for another hour maybe two! After shopping for two hours yesterday at Pak-n-Save and bringing home the holiday dinner, I didn't feel much of the spirit there either. My mother passed away on December 28th 2003 and my heart has been missing her tremendously around this time of the year. Almost to the point of my not wanting to spend it with family or friends. I would rather be a lone hermit tucked away in my shell on a beach somewhere in Molokai's solitude of heaven. The holidays can be a lonely time of the year and it is so for me. I'm completely surrounded by family and friends but still, I feel alone. I am missing my island of Molokai and all of it's spirit that I come home with when I visit there.
My brother is the only one looking forward to Christmas dinner and he appreciates that I do cook for the family. My son and daughter are spending time with their father. Lynn is spending the holidays with her family, also doing the cooking scene at her home. My very good friend Darrell stopped by after work for some holiday dinner and Christmas cheer. His parents are in Atlanta and he has not seen them in a year. He does have a brother who lives out in Mountain View and visits him once in a while. I sent him home with three plates of food and he was very ecstatic about that. Darrell rarely cooks for himself, his condo is immaculate, he puts Martha Stewart to shame and he is a genuinely good man. My spirit lifts when I'm around him. He makes me laugh and we have a wonderful time together. Darrell had to leave and be on his way home. My son, the card shark, challenged me to a card game of Black Jack for money. Within one hour, all of my change went to his side of the table. I told him, "When you turn 21, I'm taking you to Vegas!" As he walked away with the biggest grin and pockets heavy with coins, he asked to challenge his uncle. Being overly stuffed from tonight's dinner and smart, the uncle declined. Looking back at the end of my night, my spirit and mood better than before. I realized that I have wonderful friends and a beautiful family. Because of my mother and father, I have learned how to build solid relationships, drama and all, and I'm very thankful for such gracious parents. I will love you always, think of you often and miss you dearly.
Merry Christmas.