Mental illness

is pervasive and crosses all facets of human life. The Harvard grad doctors make their diagnosis and hand down their unkind verdicts to overwhelmed and financially strapped family members as they listen to what the specialists say. How do I cope? How do I fulfill my obligation as a parent? The helpless feeling that I get when I can't do for my own child. I can only take a step back, observe and listen. I have noticed a significant improvement in my second daughter, Pua, during this year. She is much more coherent, clear and a very good conversationalist. I haven't observed any suicidal tendencies and haven't noticed any more cuts on her arms. We are very close to where she would tell me if she has cut or injured herself. Her outlook on life isn't as bleak as it was two years ago where her mind was in a very dark place. A place I wasn't sure if she could get out from or recognize. With a very good mental health system at the Crestwood facility in Sacramento, they gave her the time she needed to grow into a young woman who today, is much more sure of herself. I am very proud of how far she has come. There were days during her teen years where I wasn't sure if she would make it to her 18th or 21st birthdays. I always had it in the back of my mind that a phone call from the facility or police station would be like a soldier in the military and the chaplain would drive up and knock on your door to give you the news about your child's demise. I would dread that day and to be honest, I don't want to think about it but it is always there in my mind. Pua, has grown into a beautiful young woman who has a lot on her mind. If I could get her to write her own blog, she would have so much to say as a young woman dealing with schizophrenia and depression. She has written very graphic letters depicting her life on the edge, the voices that she constantly hears, the cursing and anger in her words spewing venom on what is going on in her mind. The constant pulling and wires firing in her brain, the sometimes empty look in her eyes of one without a soul. The terror of leaving her at home with family members who did not want to be alone with her for their fear of her and what she could be capable of. I'm talking about my brother who is 5'11" 285 lbs and scared of his neice who is all of 5'6" 145lbs! For the most part of my visits, she is always supervised and I never leave her alone anymore with family members. Our visiting time is always together, shopping, restaurants and overnight visits. The only time she is out of my sight is when she smokes or goes to the restroom. She is not a flight risk and I trust her time out of the facility is doing her good. She is looking forward to getting her own apartment again, this time being a little older and more confident of living on her own. My daughter is a survivor and I love her.

Lord, give me strength

in tempering my soul, mind and thoughts with my children. My second daughter, Pua, went AWOL last night from the facility where she was a resident. Her sometimes boyfriend, Adolpho, drove to Sacramento, picked her up and brought her to his place in Redwood City. Then drove her back to my home to spend a few days with us. It is always a problematic reunion between Nani (oldest daughter), Manny (only son) and Pua (second daughter). Nani and my son live at home with me and Pua abides her time in and out of mental facilities and group homes. She has been out of my home since she was diagnosed at 16 years old with schizophrenia, depression and was made a ward of the state at her request. Now at 23, she infrequently comes home and when she does, it can be very chaotic at times. Her facility environment consists of a tumultuous, boisterous and many times violent atmosphere to where she has her guard up twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Patients that she may call her friend one day could end up fighting her the next day without any explanation or cause. Tempers flare quickly and often in crowded facilities like hers.
Word of her escaping her facility last night was a phone call to her siblings and they in turn, called me at work. The questions, fears and worries of how Pua will manage without her medication. Pua's fear and loathing of not wanting to go back to her facility. Everyone looking at Mom and what I decide to do. Tired and wearisome, I can only go by the moments in time. Planning ahead in this particular situation is meaningless. Erratic, Nomadic and unpredictability is Pua's modus operandi and just cause for not planning. Where will she go from here? It is anyone's guess.

Walking on glass

and ready to leave her employers. That's how Carmen feels at work right now. I drove her to work this morning again since I have nothing better to do at 4AM! We talked about her vacation week and how fast it went. During this time, she seeked out a lawyer at Glide Memorial church in San Francisco to aid her in getting her car back. She seemed very positive that the outcome of the meeting was what she was looking for. Hopefully, she will hear back from them next week Monday. In the meantime, she still has to take public transportation to and from work and gets relief from her friends with vehicles. She is still uneasy about her work and how a failed audit might be her downfall. Carmen has back up plans just in case she is laid off or worse, fired. Her 401k might be able to help her out for a short time and she's keeping her avenues open for an offer. The ride coming back home is always long, it's about a 40 minute drive back to my house and I use my cruise control on the return leg.
I finally got done with my 401k paperwork and mailed it out. We'll see what kind of relief they'll be able to give me. This weekend will be my final task of getting my information out to Sarah, my loan gal to see if refinancing will be possible for me in the wake of the "Californacation" crisis in the sub prime loan areas. Lynn called instead of texting, she misses talking to me and because of her reductions of minutes, she has to watch it or else her cell phone bill will match that of her paycheck. Lying on her bed at home is where she is. It's been a long week for her after dealing with a co-teacher who seems utterly useless in her classroom, noisy kids and choral rehearsal. I get tired just talking to her about her day. Next weekend starts her winter concert season with a well known women's chorus on the Peninsula. I'll be going to a holiday party where the theme will be a white elephant gift. My friend Marilee will be flying in from Atlanta that weekend too so it will be hellishly busy. Sometime next week, I will be driving up to Sacramento to see my other daughter Pua who is at the Crest wood center for the mentally challenged. She was diagnosed at 16 with schizophrenia and depression and is now on medication and is currently her best advocate. Her case worker is an idiot male who seems to have no time for her and it oblivious to her needs as a young person. She is a wonderful poet and her pencil art is beautiful. Her writings are morbid thoughts about her voices, people that have done her wrong and death. For one so young, she welcomes death and I imagine that it's not too far behind her.