Dr. Snow

Lynn and I were meeting with Dr. Snow in the part of Palo Alto where mere cottages command one million dollar price tags and predominantly white upper class neighborhood is the rule. Dr. Snow's home is off of the main thorough way of Amtrak, continuous vehicle traffic and a pulsating public High School. Her landscape is unconventional and quirky with her Asian Buddhas sitting in the side front walkway waiting as if to greet and welcome my arrival. Upon entering her porch sitting area, we are immediately met by Cody, an energetic bundle of mixed terrier with a blue starred bandanna tied around his neck. Her backyard facing the porch held half wine barrels containing stalk like plants positioned in a circle as if waiting for a full moon incantation from their mistress.
Upon meeting Dr Snow, I thought she was an eclectic, well traveled and highly knowledgeable
woman in her sixties, at least. Her hair, manner of dress and makeup neatly manicured proved that she took great pride in her professionalism and appearance. She must have been a commanding presence in her younger years as her tall thin stature offered me a hint of what she may have been like then. Now, her frail but still very strong posture fighting to retain any ounce of dignity by choosing not to treat her possible rheumatoid arthritis as visually noticed during the course of our counseling session and in her walk.
Lynn and I were here as a couple for my first time in any type of couples counseling and I was nervous. Nervous because of my own so called abuse at the hand of my father and what secrets, if any, that might be blurted out for Lynn to know. Secrets that may be locked away, unconsciously, until someone like Dr. Snow unlocks it and out pours this torrential flood that I have to answer to. I have a plate full of issues which Lynn knows all about and probably because of the issues, my rheumatoid may have come about then. Because of the sensitivity of her issue, approval addiction, It is very courageous of Lynn to let me in to her inner most heart where lies her darkest secret that she tried very hard to shield me from and the hurtful events that lead up to where we are now. With slow insightful conversations and my background that was all Dr Snow needed to know that I too, could use some counseling of my own.
With our hearts, tears and plenty of tissue, we were able to talk about the issues at hand. Lynn's mother is at the root of her unforgiving heart and will continue to be as long as Lynn lets her dominate her life which makes her feel unloved and unwanted. Even tho, Lynn is surrounded by friends, family and myself who offer our undying love. To an approval addict, this is not enough and results of this can sometimes be catastrophic and turning away the people that really love you. With Dr. Snow's help and gentle conversations, we will both receive the help that we need to mend our relationship and go forward in our lives.

Counting the days

of when I will be back at work which will be January 16th. It has been nearly four months since I was working last and my longest leave of any type. All of this due to my rheumatoid arthritis and the medications that I need in order to stay well and in good health. I was very much a workaholic during my past work era and would work 16-18 hour days without any rest and only napping when there was time. Exhaustion and no rest is probably what opened me up to letting my immune system down and thus my developing this type of arthritis. Tomorrow I will meet with my primary doctor and receive the results of last weeks pelvic sonogram. I am a little anxious on what she will tell me and I only hope that it is good news.
Speaking of appointments, I will be attending a counseling session with Lynn on Wednesday. We will be attending as a couple in need of understanding an "approval addiction" that Lynn has. It is an addiction that has spanned back to her childhood and that of her abusive mother. Lynn cannot come to terms with loving herself and those very close to her heart and has chosen inappropriate ways to express her need for approval. One of which she has hurt me with and I have forgiven her when she explained this addiction to me. Through counseling, I will hope to understand how and why Lynn does these things. Strengthening our fragile bond that has almost been torn knowing full well how much I love her and she of me.