Dr. Snow

Lynn and I were meeting with Dr. Snow in the part of Palo Alto where mere cottages command one million dollar price tags and predominantly white upper class neighborhood is the rule. Dr. Snow's home is off of the main thorough way of Amtrak, continuous vehicle traffic and a pulsating public High School. Her landscape is unconventional and quirky with her Asian Buddhas sitting in the side front walkway waiting as if to greet and welcome my arrival. Upon entering her porch sitting area, we are immediately met by Cody, an energetic bundle of mixed terrier with a blue starred bandanna tied around his neck. Her backyard facing the porch held half wine barrels containing stalk like plants positioned in a circle as if waiting for a full moon incantation from their mistress.
Upon meeting Dr Snow, I thought she was an eclectic, well traveled and highly knowledgeable
woman in her sixties, at least. Her hair, manner of dress and makeup neatly manicured proved that she took great pride in her professionalism and appearance. She must have been a commanding presence in her younger years as her tall thin stature offered me a hint of what she may have been like then. Now, her frail but still very strong posture fighting to retain any ounce of dignity by choosing not to treat her possible rheumatoid arthritis as visually noticed during the course of our counseling session and in her walk.
Lynn and I were here as a couple for my first time in any type of couples counseling and I was nervous. Nervous because of my own so called abuse at the hand of my father and what secrets, if any, that might be blurted out for Lynn to know. Secrets that may be locked away, unconsciously, until someone like Dr. Snow unlocks it and out pours this torrential flood that I have to answer to. I have a plate full of issues which Lynn knows all about and probably because of the issues, my rheumatoid may have come about then. Because of the sensitivity of her issue, approval addiction, It is very courageous of Lynn to let me in to her inner most heart where lies her darkest secret that she tried very hard to shield me from and the hurtful events that lead up to where we are now. With slow insightful conversations and my background that was all Dr Snow needed to know that I too, could use some counseling of my own.
With our hearts, tears and plenty of tissue, we were able to talk about the issues at hand. Lynn's mother is at the root of her unforgiving heart and will continue to be as long as Lynn lets her dominate her life which makes her feel unloved and unwanted. Even tho, Lynn is surrounded by friends, family and myself who offer our undying love. To an approval addict, this is not enough and results of this can sometimes be catastrophic and turning away the people that really love you. With Dr. Snow's help and gentle conversations, we will both receive the help that we need to mend our relationship and go forward in our lives.

Learning to give

A few hours away from 2008, our New Year, my memories slip away to remembering what I have accomplished this past year. It does not seem grand by all means but more of a compassion that comes from deep within my heart. Without realizing it, I have been very generous and considerate to my friends and family due in part to my parents who have always been that way with my siblings and I. Their bounteous and unending source of goodwill and love have spilled over into my life making me the benefactor of their spirit. Definitely not in any monetary way but more so in lending a helping hand where I was needed. Because of my unselfish nature, Lynn will sometimes tell me, "You can say no". With my thought waves electrically connected to my heart while tugging the strings hidden beneath my face emitted a quizzical look, Can I say no? If it is within the realm of possible, I will kindly do what I can to help complete the task at hand. Often, I have received unexpected and sometimes overwhelming surprises and gifts from my co-workers, friends and family. I am very thankful to the point of absolute tears and it is at those unexpected times where I truly think that this my purpose on this earth. To give of myself so completely, without thinking, to their aid. If the world were this way, we would all be a much better earth, planet, society and human race.

Last Saturday

of the year for 2007. Lynn stopped by my house this afternoon for lunch after singing for a funeral at 9:00am this morning. I set a plate for her with some of last night's left over salmon and rice. We chit chatted about her gig and I showed her my daughter's new refrigerator that she received from PG&E's energy partner program. With a few stolen kisses and longing hugs we talked about our plans for New Year's. While sitting at the kitchen table, she gave me back my Hawaiian ring with two hearts that I had left at her house about a week ago. She had re-enameled the missing outline of the heart and now it shows beautifully. I let her put it back on my left index finger as we both gazed at the movement of her act. Breathless and silent for a few seconds as she thanked me for taking back the ring. I smiled and acknowledge her a "thank you". Hand in hand, thankful for each other, we both know that it's going to be a new journey for 2008.

"Stand by me"

"You are the quiet at the end of my day...
I feel so loved when you hold me.
I close my eyes and the rest
of the world disappears.
Then it's just you and me,
and that all I need"
Happy Valentine's Day - written by Jerry Leiber, Mike Stoller and Ben E. King

As I was rummaging through my piles of mail looking for my receipts and "to do's" for my trip up to see my daughter, Pua, in Sacramento today and I came across a musical Valentine's card that Lynn had given me last year with the above inscription. Yesterday, Lynn and I finally got a chance to speak with one another on the phone. Within our voices, the strain, the unconsolable hurt and anguished hearts were once again, put on the table. Dissected, examined and pulled apart, the intricacies of our fragile relationship. After many tears and hopes renewed, talking about our issues and missing each other, we took a step forward to reconcile our eight year relationship.
My trip to Sacramento to see my daughter Pua is always an adventure. She is a "diva shopper" and can stretch the spending of $50.00 into a 4 hour spree. Housed in the Crestwood Facility for the mentally challenged, she survives here in a sometimes chaotic commune of spirited characters where their smoking break is highly coveted over a long distance phone call from mom. I can only retain her for eight hours today and tomorrow. She is not allowed any overnight privileges until our second meeting and she completes all of her counseling sessions. That won't happen since she thinks that she'll be released sometime in January 2008 and be housed in a group home on the Peninsula.
With our shopping day at an end, Pua put her name on everything she has purchased to be inventoried and stored away until needed. With a pickup time for tomorrow at 6:00am to complete my next eight hours, morning is a few hours away.