Counseling session

ends for me and I will not be seeing Dr. Snow today with Lynn. Since our line of communication has been improved and my better understanding of what she is going through, we agreed that there was no further need to my continue visits.
I picked up some overtime shifts in the morning in addition to my own work schedule and will be returning again, tonight. In between, I have errands to run and dinner to cook which will leave me little time to nap. My biggest fear would be over sleeping and I have set three alarms at fifteen minute intervals to wake me. I always manage to wake to the last alarm and ready myself for work. Tomorrow is our pizza and profit sharing day. A VP from my company will be by to visit and talk with co-workers about our environment and answer questions. It will be interesting.
I went shopping for basic foods and always end up buying more than what I need, especially for my son. He drinks alot of juices and I need to keep him hydrated. Water has been a mainstay in our home. I cooked up a huge pot of spaghetti to, hopefully, last a few days. Nothing lasts too long in my household and gets devoured very quickly. I managed to start the process of filing my taxes online with Tax Slayer. They charge 9.95 to do my returns including the State and it is fairly easy. I have been using this company for several years and am very happy with the ease of it's program and the return rate of my monies for refunds. I'm hoping to complete this by the weekend.

Communication

between Lynn and I have developed into a better relationship for us. Since that fateful day in December, we have talked of our problem with Dr. Snow and she in turn has given us feedback with good results. Her kind words and compliments of us as a couple strengthen our bond. It is here in counseling that we discharge all of our questions, answers and thoughts with her examination of our relationship between us and our families. This is information that Lynn and I rarely have conversations about when we are alone due to the fact that we want to enjoy each other's blissful company. Lynn doesn't want to chit-chat about the "hard stuff" and would rather we talk about our issues in counseling. Inside of our bubble, life is tropical and sunny. Outside, it is cold, alone and bitter. In our quest for a better understanding of our relationship, we are slowly bringing the imbalance in our lives to a stable plateau. Slowly, ever so slowly.

Highway 101

shut down yesterday because of a tanker spill causing traffic to be rerouted through once quiet neighborhoods and hours wasted in perpetual commotion. Fortunately, I was not in it but saw the news on T.V. from work, thinking that there will be many passengers late for their flight if they hadn't tuned in. Carried over today, the left lanes are still blocked and the 511 traffic information has issued a severe alert to avoid 101 if at all possible and look for alternate routes. Lynn has a meeting today with Dr. Snow in Palo Alto at 4:00pm and if it were not for this accident, I would attend. Instead, I declined because of the horrid traffic I would have to contend with on the return going to work.
The meeting today would consist more of Lynn's relationship with her mother. Defining that her mother, as abusive as she was in her younger years, is now older and cannot harm Lynn. And yet, with harsh memories of Lynn's abuse, she remembers, vividly, each hit, swat, paddle or verbal assault being said to her or her siblings. Lynn was the caretaker and protector. How one so little and innocent can be subjected to such crimes by the hand of her own mother. It is unimaginable. On the other hand, my father was the disciplinarian. My mother could only stand by to listen to our cries as we were hit by my father's bare hand upon our backside. I tend to think that my sister was the favorite because she was rarely hit at all. My brother and I, because of our mischievous antics and my being such a rebel, we were always being spanked or locked downstairs in the cold dark basement. My brother was always the one to stay close to the door, breathing up the bottom light for fear of seeing into the void of the monsters he would dream up to scare his sisters with. Fearful of the dark and the demons that lay beyond the stair, I would hear him whimper. Mom would eventually let us upstairs and into our room without dinner. Our tummies grumbling, we were more terrified of our father and went to sleep that way. Hours later before my father would leave for work, I would listen to his rituals of making sure the windows and doors were locked. He would appear at each of his child's bedside and offer kisses upon their foreheads as if he were asking for forgiveness of his abuse. He would achieve this act of love until we were in our early teens. I'm not sure if my brother or sister had any recollection of this fatherly act of love but that memory of him remains.

Dr. Snow

Lynn and I were meeting with Dr. Snow in the part of Palo Alto where mere cottages command one million dollar price tags and predominantly white upper class neighborhood is the rule. Dr. Snow's home is off of the main thorough way of Amtrak, continuous vehicle traffic and a pulsating public High School. Her landscape is unconventional and quirky with her Asian Buddhas sitting in the side front walkway waiting as if to greet and welcome my arrival. Upon entering her porch sitting area, we are immediately met by Cody, an energetic bundle of mixed terrier with a blue starred bandanna tied around his neck. Her backyard facing the porch held half wine barrels containing stalk like plants positioned in a circle as if waiting for a full moon incantation from their mistress.
Upon meeting Dr Snow, I thought she was an eclectic, well traveled and highly knowledgeable
woman in her sixties, at least. Her hair, manner of dress and makeup neatly manicured proved that she took great pride in her professionalism and appearance. She must have been a commanding presence in her younger years as her tall thin stature offered me a hint of what she may have been like then. Now, her frail but still very strong posture fighting to retain any ounce of dignity by choosing not to treat her possible rheumatoid arthritis as visually noticed during the course of our counseling session and in her walk.
Lynn and I were here as a couple for my first time in any type of couples counseling and I was nervous. Nervous because of my own so called abuse at the hand of my father and what secrets, if any, that might be blurted out for Lynn to know. Secrets that may be locked away, unconsciously, until someone like Dr. Snow unlocks it and out pours this torrential flood that I have to answer to. I have a plate full of issues which Lynn knows all about and probably because of the issues, my rheumatoid may have come about then. Because of the sensitivity of her issue, approval addiction, It is very courageous of Lynn to let me in to her inner most heart where lies her darkest secret that she tried very hard to shield me from and the hurtful events that lead up to where we are now. With slow insightful conversations and my background that was all Dr Snow needed to know that I too, could use some counseling of my own.
With our hearts, tears and plenty of tissue, we were able to talk about the issues at hand. Lynn's mother is at the root of her unforgiving heart and will continue to be as long as Lynn lets her dominate her life which makes her feel unloved and unwanted. Even tho, Lynn is surrounded by friends, family and myself who offer our undying love. To an approval addict, this is not enough and results of this can sometimes be catastrophic and turning away the people that really love you. With Dr. Snow's help and gentle conversations, we will both receive the help that we need to mend our relationship and go forward in our lives.