Before Humira

I was a complete mess of human less flesh. The pain was excruciating and my body was not mine. It felt alien and unknown to me. My joints were very hard to control let alone involve movement of any kind. Flareups? What the hell is that? In the dictionary the meaning: to start up or burst out in sudden, fierce activity or passion. This definitely was not passion! My immune system was on an all out assault throughout my body. I was not ready for this type of vicious attack. My diagnosis floored me. What? Where? How? Why me? In the end, all of this points to, "No Cure"! I think I've said this a time or two but only as a reminder to myself. I've signed on to a research company in San Francisco as a participant of RA and in the hope of them finding a cure for this terrible disease. So far, all of my medications have been working for me. As I look back to the time without Humira and where I was, it was a dark time for me. I was going through quite a bit of depression, but there was so much for me to do to keep my mind off of what I was feeling that there was no time for me to sit back and feel sorry for myself. I had a family to be in charge of, an unfinished kitchen remodel, employers that I had to work for and bills to pay. There was just too much to do and I was not going to let this disease hamper me in any way. I put my life in the hands of a world renown Rheumatologist and whatever he said to take as far as medications, I took. So far, his advice of resting, medication and monitoring are working. I am back to a full work schedule, my kitchen is finished and my family and friends still loves me. I am in a better state of mind and a much peaceful place of body.

Fifth shot, right thigh, missed a day

It still doesn't get easier as I continue to inject myself with the Humira medication. I still talk myself into it and still wince upon application of it to my thigh area. I imagine that when I'm 65, I will be more tolerant of this procedure. I missed yesterday's injection due to that I work through several shifts and did not have the Humira with me. My RA said to take it immediately the next day and resume my injection the next time. I felt so bloated and swollen yesterday that during a few brief break times, I was able to put my feet up and rest. I felt much better after a nap and I promised that I will not ever work that type of shift again. Working 20 plus hours in a day is crazy, so what was I thinking? I have to learn to say "NO"!
I rested all day today and if felt good to stay in bed until 10:00am. After some leisure time, I got ready to run some errands before the weekend. I dropped into the lab to submit more blood for my RA appointment next week, visited the bank to make a deposit and filled up my truck tank with gas for forty dollars which does not go a long way anymore.
Coming home to a quiet environment, I relish the thought of taking another nap but instead I watch the American Idol reruns that I TiVo'd and have a plate of leftover spaghetti.

20 Hour day

My work schedule was continuous as I picked up shifts and strung them together due to co-workers needing to leave work early and some much needed overtime. My payroll specialist will have a fit to see what hours I have accumulated today. My shift started out at 5:00-9:00am for overtime. I worked my own shift from 9:00a-1:00p and finished the remaining shift of a co-worker from 1:00p-3:15. From 3:15p-7:00p, I started the shift of another co-worker, who left for Mexico City with her husband. 7:00p-12:00a, I worked for another co-worker who needed the day off to be at home with her children and from 12:00a-1:00a for overtime to help out with full flights and sick calls. But that doesn't count the 4:00am wake up time and my getting home at 1:30am. In all, it was a very long day and I could definitely see myself dragging as the afternoon wore on. I managed to nap between flights and stay off my feet at times but I could feel the fatigue from not fully resting like I should have been doing. With my mortgage due and other bills close behind, surviving to stay in my home takes precedence. With all the picking up of my hours, I also neglected to take my Humira shot and didn't plan on missing today and will have to make up for it by taking it in the morning tomorrow. My company sponsored a pizza day to celebrate Valentines day and our profit sharing day which was a very nice gesture.
At 5:00am, coming to work in the dark and leaving at 1:00am in the dark tells me that I've been here too long. Happy Valentine's Day.

Reaction

to my Humira shot produced a bruise where the puncture in my thigh was and a few hours later, a slight raised red swelling of where my 1st shot in December appeared. I thought it odd and will wait another day or two to see what will develop. So far, this is the only reaction that my body has produced to the injection. I will have to revert to the diagram for other target areas of injection and interchange during the bi-monthly process.
Tomorrow is the start of my new bid on the morning shift. After picking up tonight for a co-worker, morning will arrive very soon. Gone is my cherished mornings of sleeping in and enjoying the last bit of warmth from my bed. I will be working a double shift but not continuously, it will be a split shift for a few days this week. In between that time, I will return home and nap for a few hours. Somewhere during that time, I will have packed my breakfast or dinner keeping warm at the same time from the inclement weather of the week and making sure to check in with my son. Enter the Rat race of my life to make money and survive in this overpriced and underpaid society we call California and all the politicians that think a family can exist on an hourly wage of $8.00 an hour. What Podunk country do they live in anyway? I'd like to see them subsist on that wage and work the long hours that I do and have nothing to show for it by the time my paycheck arrives. Election time is around the corner and it will be an interesting race of the powerhouse candidates. Vote!

Finally

relief from mother nature's gusty winds and constant rains in San Francisco. I'm not complaining and i certainly express deep sympathy for my sisters in other parts of the country as well as the world with this incessant weather we've been experiencing. Most of what I do is hunker down, read books and make the best of the situation. My rheumatoid arthritis has not given me any problems since the start of my Humira injections. It has been one week since the lowering of my prednisone (5 MG) down to one and a half tablets daily, one folic acid (1 MG) and one multi-vitamin daily. My (10 MG) tablets of methotrexate is still taken every week on Wednesday, all of which I have faithfully taken and not missed for fear of my stiffening joints coming back to haunt me. The weather certainly doesn't play any part in it's affect on my joints as I so often hear from other sufferers. I sometimes feel a fullness in my hand joints when I curl my fingers and I look for tell tale signs of nodules and deformities as my fingers stand at attention under my inspection. I am afraid of the medications in my ample embodiment of woman and I disengage from the thoughts of what the future holds for me. Four months ago, I was a wretch from my tormenting pain and surprised by the suddenness of it all. A misery I would not wish upon anyone and executed a disguise of my endurance. This disease was altering me so aggressively, that I was not recognizable to myself anymore. Where was that sturdy, vigorous, take-charge woman that I knew? The agony was excruciating. The loneliness was more inviting, yet, lacerating and extracted me from the human race. My advantage was my family and friends who kept in touch with me often with their talk of others with my affliction. Lynn and her ever present spirit and communication, tho sometimes challenging, would be the hand on my heart to uphold and guide me through inharmonious moments in my life.

Third shot, right thigh

Because I have to interchange injection shots on my thigh, I have to keep track of where my last injection was and because my mind sometimes forgets, this is a good reminder for me. I took a little over half an hour to finally administer the shot, again, talking myself into it and each time looking at the end of the needle. That is what takes me longer because I tend to psyche myself out. Once done, it wasn't that bad. I have to stop looking at the needle before injection to quicken my task, next time, that is what I will do. My second day of work was uneventful. I picked up hours for a co-worker, ordered the meals and input the billing. It all came back to me today. Meeting a 757 on jet-way 35 was a different story. Because it's automated with a touch screen, I needed the guidance of a senior agent and Marty was there. Piece of cake! The schedule had me controlling a flight and a full one at that. We didn't have much room to play with when it came to passengers wanting better seating, we did not have any. First Class is always full and the compartment never goes out with an empty seat. Towards the end of my shift, Passengers became shadows and their voices started fading. Their unending repetitious questions became boring. I started to feel the tiredness settle in and I was ready to go home and sleep. Midnight could not arrive quick enough.

Ouch!!

I self injected myself with my second dose of Humira. The first one was in December in the presence of a nurse at my doctor's office. It is entirely different having a nurse eyeball you and injecting yourself on your own with this type of pen needle device. It took me approximately one hour to talk myself into the procedure. Yes, I'm a scaredy cat when it comes to needles. I don't freak out, I just don't like them. I'm hoping that this would be more effortless in the future and I'll be more tolerant of my feat. I did more lab work today and gave blood to my RAtologist. I'll see him again next month unless there are any drastic changes in my symptoms.
Lynn and I tried to see a movie, The Enchanted, last night but it was not playing at the Theatre we chose to meet. Instead, we went to Bair Island's Waterfront restaurant in Redwood City and had dinner there. It is a charming place on the water with huge bay windows offering views of the marina. I'm sure the view is spectacular during the day and just as crowded. We enjoyed the quietness of the atmosphere. Our candle lit table by the water was equally romantic and we hadn't even planned this. It was a nice unexpected surprise. Our conversation was about activities during the day and what we each had planned for the upcoming weekend. We did want to go to Respect (a monthly woman's club in San Francisco) next weekend. After dinner, we strolled around the marina and walked along the docks where the beautiful yachts and catamarans were moored. Conversation flowing and stolen kisses, walking arm in arm and being close to one another was all that mattered and what felt right at that moment. The night was fading and not wanting to leave each other, we babbled on as if we were on our first date. Finally, the arduous task of saying goodnight or goodbye is always the most difficult. It is here that we disconnect, divide, sever, disunite and tear. All of which we have done a thousand times before, each and every time, our most heartsick consequence.

Up early

to tackle my day. Life must go on after all. I have make a phone call to the doctors after 10:00am so that they can slot me in to take my Humira shot with a pen looking device I picked up yesterday at Walgreen's. Since I have a great medical plan, this prescription only costed me $25.00 co-payment. After looking at the "you saved" part, it blew me away! My insurance saved me $1654.99!! Can you freakin believe that? Expensive little things and they also need to be refrigerated. For now, my medication calls for an injection every other week. I have a three week vacation coming up in March and I'll have to re-think my destination. This vacation was planned for February, that's when Lynn and I were thinking of escorting her daughter Camden to London and spending a few days there for our mini vacation. I thought for sure I had the correct dates but miss bid my vacation to March. My daughter Nani always says, "things happen for a reason". My excuse is, "I'm gettin' old". Instead, I was thinking on visiting some friends of mine. Pearl and her partner Michelle in Alabama, recently moved Marilee in Atlanta and Angie and her partner in Florida. Maybe my fly boy, the international gay playboy of the skies, Michael, and pay a visit to him in Florida.
So, I have to find some time today to get this shot administered and get my loan papers ready for Sarah this weekend as our ladies group will be going to a few parties. Again to see an old friend in the city who is throwing one at his place. Ken is a long time friend who I haven't seen for at least 10 years since we got together in New Orleans for Halloween when my hula group was there performing for a well to do artsy gentleman. From what I hear, he lives in a loft. I'm not sure if he's partnered. Many of my gay men friends have beautiful huge lofts in the city. Why? So that they can throw the most fabulous parties and galas you have ever seen. Their parties are truly amazing!
I'm steering away from the subject again. I do that quite a bit and don't mean to. I've got to fill out papers for my 401k loan process which didn't get processed for some reason. I'll have to go into work to get a copy of the doctor papers that re-certified me unable to work for this month of December and to pick up my bid sheet for my new work schedule.
I finally wrote an email last night asking Lynn for my small refrigerator back because it belongs to my son. I haven't received an answer yet. I know we are both trying to process what happened this past Monday because I totally cut her off without an explanation or conversation but said everything in a subtle email. It wasn't vicious or attacking because I was hurting and still love her to some magnitude. I'm sure she's hurting and devastated like I am but for different reasons. I thought that I would pick up the "fridge" since I was going to be down that way in San Mateo for my appointment. It could be that I just want to see her again. Hear what she has to say. Or me being an idiot and thinking that I could take her back and forget about everything. My thoughts about us living together in our Golden Years, implosion complete, damage is done. OK Lani, bend over so that I can kick you in the arse and knock some sense into you! Reality sets in and the truth is known. I can't go back, not after what has been done, written, said or otherwise. Move on, Lani, move on! Yes, I will. One step at a time. One step at a time.

Humira

is the name of my next set of medicine that I will be taking. My RAtologist did not like where my marks were at this time and increased my prednisone to 2 tablets tonight and two tomorrow morning to kick start it and hopefully to me in better spirits and out of the pain that I am in right now. He explained that I will have to be checked with a TB shot before taking the Humira and gave me three choices on how to take it. The first being that I would have to come into the office and have the medicine administered by IV and one hour to sit in the office. The second would be to self inject myself with one shot every two months or third, coming into the office every week for a shot. I'm not too keen on self administering shots to myself and of course the IV sounded wonderful until he showed me the tampon looking tube of medicine that I would be taking. I wouldn't have to see the needle but I will feel a little sting. It looked very uncomplicated and easy but was not going to get that today. They have to check with my health plan to make sure that they can pay for most of it. After further researching, I found out that this particular medicine can cost upwards of $13-$15,000.00 dollars for a year! Holy Crap! I hope i don't have to pay for any of this.
It's time to refill all of my medicine and I'm so glad that it costs me a mere $5.00 per prescription to do that. Walgreen's gives you instructions along with your prescription and it also tells you how much you saved. I better keep working for as long as I can at least up until I'm 60 but I may have to settle for 55.