In God's house

we are all created equal. At the MCC Church in San Mateo, it is just that. Rev Teri addresses her flock of gay, straight and transgendered every week with pastoral elegance and teachings of one so knowledgeable. Together in song and readings from the Bible, their hope for unison and togetherness bonded by love will further the achievement of all churches in the belief that we all have a place on this earth no matter what category we fall into, we are all created equal.
Being equal, we should also have the same rights as everyone else. The basic right to marry and have a same sex partnership. Being treated as a second class citizen or better yet, a foreigner in our own country we call America as this right is not inclusive to the gay community but exclusive for the hetero or straight community. Sure, America wants you to vote and pay taxes, but addressing LGBT marriage issue will be pushed aside for a more meaningful agenda such as the war in Iraq. America wants to recruit my son and daughters to serve their country, should they fall into the "don't ask, don't tell" category, my country will not support them but rather discharge them, thinking, "take your gay asses home!" Or worse, be accidentally killed by friendly fire. I thought we were out of the segregation and discrimination era but here it is, alive and well and will continue, if the powers that be, endorse this act of cruelty.
Lynn and I listen, sing and hold each other's hands with an aspiration that during our lifetime, we will legally marry with all of our family and friends in attendance as we walk down the aisle as one.

Counting the days

of when I will be back at work which will be January 16th. It has been nearly four months since I was working last and my longest leave of any type. All of this due to my rheumatoid arthritis and the medications that I need in order to stay well and in good health. I was very much a workaholic during my past work era and would work 16-18 hour days without any rest and only napping when there was time. Exhaustion and no rest is probably what opened me up to letting my immune system down and thus my developing this type of arthritis. Tomorrow I will meet with my primary doctor and receive the results of last weeks pelvic sonogram. I am a little anxious on what she will tell me and I only hope that it is good news.
Speaking of appointments, I will be attending a counseling session with Lynn on Wednesday. We will be attending as a couple in need of understanding an "approval addiction" that Lynn has. It is an addiction that has spanned back to her childhood and that of her abusive mother. Lynn cannot come to terms with loving herself and those very close to her heart and has chosen inappropriate ways to express her need for approval. One of which she has hurt me with and I have forgiven her when she explained this addiction to me. Through counseling, I will hope to understand how and why Lynn does these things. Strengthening our fragile bond that has almost been torn knowing full well how much I love her and she of me.

Reflecting

on my past events for the month of December. I can truly say that it has been an eventful month strewn with drama, love, loss, laughter, tears, goodwill and reconciliations. My life amazes me continuously and miraculously. It has been nothing short of exhilarating and I look forward to what 2008 and where she will guide me. I am hoping that she keeps beckoning me to learn of my life's journey openly and that she will be kind as always in her endeavor to faithfully watch over my spirit, cleanse my soul, renew my hope and love honestly. That is what I hope to carry forth into the New Year.

I'm in love

with your angelic voice
the power that is you
your spirit, your choice

letting me in
your most inner thought
so fragile, ashamed
weary and wrought

with my arms around you
as our journey begins
secrets unfold
as we stamp out these sins

together, you and I
spirit as one
we will get through this
from you I will not run

communication and honesty
that is all I ask
no more hiding
no more mask

your journey will be difficult
by your side, I will be
patient and understanding
you are all, I see

With God's mighty hand
from up above
my heart to yours
I'm in love

Hoping that

this was all a horrible bad dream and I haven't been awaken from this deep abyss of sleep. I'm in a state of depression and feeling like the loneliest soul on the planet. I'm still in bed by noon and under the covers of my warm flannel sheet, comfortable, quiet and away from all of the madness of these past few days. The quietness is consuming me where I once had an active volume of cell phone chatter because of my daily conversations with Lynn about everyday life, has come to a complete halt. Except for the familiar emails from my close circle of friends making plans for this weekend, my life is at a standstill. There is so much that I have to do that it has fallen by the wayside to make room for my loss.... my grieving emotional loss. I'm sure it has taken a toll on my health but not for the worse. My zombie like stature is on auto pilot and going through my earthly routine, robotically. The all too familiar ring that I assigned to Lynn has been silent. Where I used to run and jump at her ring tone to answer the phone, I have quietly pressed ignore. Do I still want an explanation from her? Do I care? The questions running rampant in my mind should we meet again. Her insatiable need to be needed. We all need to be needed. I need to be needed. One person is not enough. I wasn't enough. I haven't cried since finding out that fateful Monday. Am I waiting for the tears to come? They don't. Am I heartless for not crying? Stunned, perhaps. In denial? Maybe.
I will no longer hear the music of raindrops softly pelting on my window sill or see how bright and beautiful the full moon shines. The colors have faded and start to blend. How magnanimous of Lynn to show me the other side of this life. The side where no one wants to see or be a part of, but somehow I arrive here. No fences, wires or gates to hold me in. I can leave at anytime but I resist. I have fallen from Grace in all of it's beauty and riches. Only to stand here at the crossroad of my life, broken and forgotten. My tears start to flow like sheets of rain on the dry Kalahari desert as my arms caress me like the gentle ocean wave bringing me to shore to rest peacefully in the warmth of the sand.

My life has stopped

for a moment in time
what did I do?
what was my crime?

I gave you my heart
mind, body and soul
now dark and empty
like a piece of coal

Was I
too blind to see
my artful woman dodger
my stupidity

moments that meant
walks that we took
spoken words of love
my glance, your look

time will heal
my weary heart
now utterly broken
and torn apart

life has it's lessons
from which I will learn
a life of love
a love that will burn

That recent poem

was short lived. My wonderful weekend with my sweetheart of eight years, was beautiful. She had a great concert and we visited with her chorus friends at an after party. We had food and wine there, then we went back to our "love nest" for the night. After a nice soak in the hot jacuzzi, we had our own long heated session of love making and rested the night away.
It wasn't until I got home and unpacked, made dinner for my son and I and talked to Lynn on the phone for a bit about our nightly dinner menu for the families. With an awesome dessert of rice krispies made for by my son, I retired to my room to check my emails from the day. As my laptop whirred and pinged on the start up menu an unfamiliar, yet familiar page was brought up. It was an SBC email page but it was not mine, it was Lynn's. Somehow, my laptop did not sign her out when she initially checked her email at the hotel this morning.
Months ago in August, while I was in Belize for a vacation, upon my return, my intuition was telling me that something about Lynn and I was not right. Something had urged me on to look at the Craigslist women for women's section. For several days, I didn't know what I was looking for until I saw a very familiar body of a woman's picture in the Craigslist ad. It was Lynn! Taken at her home in her bedroom, a silhouette of her long brown hair and her beautiful curves. I didn't know what to think until I read the ad. It was obvious that she was looking for someone. I was pissed the hell off and printed it out because now, I was going to confront her with it. We had talked and made plans for lunch the next day and it was hard to contain my anger and disgust. I hadn't slept well that night in anticipation of my lunch date the next day. We met in the parking lot at the IHOP in Redwood City. Lynn could see that I was upset about something and asked what it was. I asked her if she wanted to see other people. She looked surprised at my question. I asked her the question again and produced her ad printed out for her to see. After talking it out in my truck and some crying, she explained herself and that she was feeling a "low self esteem" day. I wanted to break up with her right then and there. She said that she would take down the ad and we never talked about it after that. We kissed and made up. But something was still sitting in the back of my mind, something still wasn't right.
As Lynn's email page sat staring at me, I thought to myself, "it's wrong to read her email". I have to trust her. As I wrestled with that thought, my eyes wandered over to some of her folders. I said, "F**k it" and opened the folder and read. I couldn't believe what I was reading, dozens of personal ads that she had sent to herself from the W4M and the W4W sections. She had also sent out replies to ads. She's been corresponding since 2005!! It might have been even longer but I don't think SBC goes back that far. The thought repulsed and made me sick. I was upset. I read through just about everything. I decided to not talk to her tonight and email her a "dear Jane" letter. I don't want to talk to her! I don't want to see her! How could she do this to me? I'm going to send my "D" (divorce) mail to her tonight. Merry F**ken Christmas to me.

So glad it's Friday

and this is my weekend with Lynn...finally! She has one more concert this Sunday at the Mission in Santa Clara. After that concert, she is all mine! We're getting a hotel for Saturday and Sunday that is near the Mission and she won't have to do a cross country jaunt back and forth to her concert. It has been since that bridezilla wedding we spent the weekend together in October. Up until now, that's much too long to be without each other and we make due seeing each other during the week when our schedules allow. It is our time together to rejoice, engage, recharge, rekindle and love. Nothing matters but our two spirits becoming one, entwined and interwoven, our lives fusing together if but for a night....a beautiful night of loving.